empty

I haven't blogged in a while....a long while.

I find myself getting lost in the pretentious world of social media and fakeness. Wanting to please and  measure up. Not measuring up.

I find myself wanting to be a better mom. A better wife. A friend who makes a difference.
Not measuring up.

I find myself resentful of the things that could have been. I try to make up for it.
Not measuring up.


I'm tired of trying. Spinning wheels. Sinking sand. Treading water.
When can we exhale.

Why do mean dishonest people get ahead? Why do lazy people get ahead?

I'm just tired.

I totally get why people give up and don't want to go on....

helloooooooooooooooooo?????

jessica???? :)

celebration of a birth....celebration of a life

...I want to make sense but I probably won't.....it's been a roller coaster day....well, year really but I can't possibly write about the entire year....

my son turned 22 today....he worked a double shift, came home, changed into clothes that HE bought at macy's, and went out with friends....he's an adult. it's hard for me to accept my kids growing up.......life is speeding onward....I don't like it.

rapidly gaining momentum year by year, it makes me feel out of control.....like I'm missing something because I cannot possibly take it all in appropriately......life moves forward and eventually ends for people we love.........

......we had a graveside service today for my last grandparent. she was 93. good long life....still difficult to say good bye. as we stood in the driving rain under a rickety tent, my dad shared scripture and a couple stories. he said one thing that has stuck with me all day....."we gain more knowledge out of sorrow than we do from laughter....we learn and grow more out of pain than out of contentment" I'm sure it's based on a scripture...but sometimes certain scriptures come alive in different situations.....

......I ramble on......I miss having grandparents....I miss being a mom to a little boy....I cherish what those chapters of my life gave me.....time to put my energy into being who God wants me to be today......

.....not yesterday.....just today....

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life

....so my last grandparent died yesterday.
Frances Christiansen....she was 93 years old.
just two weeks ago today i stood in her room and watched her play the piano.
i am sad for my mom. i am sad for my kids who didnt get a chance to know her better. she lived in florida most of her life and jus recently moved back to baltimore after her husband died.

it's the end of a long chapter of my life....the longest chapter....having grandparents.....grandparents who witnessed pretty much every modern invention become a part of our society....cars, tv, computers, cell phones....as well as stories from history that they lived through.....

unlike my grandfathers, both of my grandmas died from being old....their bodies just quit....what an amazing life. that god would give them more than 90 years to spend on earth.

rest in peace grandparents. see you in heaven....hopefully sometime after 2056....if god sees fit to bless me as he blessed you.

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it's been too long

i miss blogging.
i miss what it does for me....the looking back....evidence in black & white that things have changed. for better or for worse....but always some sort of growth. i've been reading a lot of other blogs lately.....i'm realizing that i need to share more. God didn't allow all of THIS so we could sit around and ask why indefinitely.....


....and i cannot get all my thoughts into a status update or a tweet...and i'm much to lazy to use a pen to write in my journal, although i do miss that and may have to give it a whirl soon....


more later.....

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this is a product of my laziness...maybe i'll write something later

#Bible http://j.mp/o1YHX4'>Quote for Fri September 23, 2011

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blogging

....i miss blogging....i need to write more.....i have too much in my head for a tweet or an update....

...too bad i'm so lazy.....

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sooooo.....

sometimes i'm embarrassed by the things i complain about.....i want to learn to shut up.

it's especially humbling when i have to eat my words. we went to salisbury university just under two weeks ago. it was freshman preview day. it was exciting, scary, sad, bittersweet....so many things for me, and i'm sure for emily as well. i felt old. i felt young. she and i sat in a few sessions, together and individually. we ate lunch. she chose her classes.

let me just say that she never doubted that she'd be there in the fall. i did.
she never thought about the money. i did.
she had faith. i did not.
about money.
and that disgusts me sometimes.

money is no bigger to god than keeping me breathing each day, and yet i make it bigger. i make it a bigger thing than most things. i want to let go of money.

after the last session we drove over to the financial aid office. walked in and were pleasantly greeted with a "how can i help you?" i asked if i could get the latest on her account....how much she had towards her 2011-12 school year.....the woman proceeded to write down each and every grant and scholarship emily had earned and then confirmed that she did in fact get the loan i was certain she would not get. :/

we will drop her off august 25.

god does what we cannot fathom or trust him to do.....he owns a cattle on a thousand hills. he knows the number of hairs on my head. yet i doubt him consistently.

i look forward to seeing what else he'll do........

homeless jesus

I've come to know the Jesus that a lot of people don't know...I think. He is not the clean, pretty, dressed up, American-ized Jesus that resides in many churches on Sunday morning.....careful to say only what people like to hear...pleased with all the pretty outfits...comfy in a padded warm pew....
No. Mind you, this meeting for me...was not necessarily by choice but out of a dark place I threw myself into....
He is the homeless Jesus. The one who says and does things that aren't easy to hear....the one who wanders, stares me down and let's me know I've got it better than I think.... He is real.

I've seen the same homeless man a few times since I've arrived in OC. Don't ask me why it got me thinking of all this.....maybe because I'm tired of seeing people play church? Maybe because he is what church should be.

I don't care for Easter Sunday....in the sense that it's a day of dress up.....which I cannot afford to keep up with.....a day of hypocrisy....which I CAN compete with, but am trying to eliminate from my life....a day of candy and egg hunts....which I love & prefer over church but have been taught is sacrilege...

Sigh....Jesus has never been more real to me....and it's all happened since we stopped attending church regularly.....hmmmm.

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*proper punctuation

don't like it. i don't think in normal sentences........thus...........i like all lower case because it looks better to me...and when i write.....i don't want rules. i think randomly.....i think a lot.

i don't stop....i have a lot on my mind.............................

i don't write it all down, but i'm thinking of it someday......


that's all.

where did i put my soap box.....????

oh, here it is:
ready.
set.
go.

money. privilege. life. luck. disappointment. okay, i'll write in clearer sentences, but i will not use proper punctuation*.......

so, emily is planning on, bound and determined to, prayerfully anticipating...entering college in the fall. salisbury university to be precise.
emily is a stellar student. (let me brag) she currently has a 4.72 gpa. has never had anything but a's on her report card. has missed maybe 6 days of school in 4 years of high school. she is a part of national honor society. foreign language honor society. future educators of america. art honor society. has been a part of numerous community services based groups and events. has received many glowing letters of reference that have brought more than a couple of people to tears. (good tears)
she has received approximately $5,000 in grants/scholarships (roughly). she needs A LOT more.
another person she knows has more than what they need to go to school. not so great grades. not so many clubs. not as many volunteer hours. what's the catch? divorce. okay. i feel bad for the kid. i do. but seriously?? i don't think it's fair. i really don't. emily is penalized because her parents are married, and work.

it really gets me angry.

who do i complain to about this?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I like laughing.

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nietzsche and the ignorant christians....

okay, so....i'm in a very cynical mood lately. i'm just tired of A LOT. it didn't help to see all the scathing remarks that "christian" people are putting up on twitter, facebook and other various weakling mediums to get their nasty messages out about rob bell's new book coming out... #RobBell site:twitter.com sigh.....

it got me thinking as to how easily led most christians can be.....how much most of them live in their own little christian-ese bubbles, half the time not even knowing why they believe what they believe.

i happened to read this frequently quoted statement on a friend's facebook page, "what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger." first let me say that i've always believed that this was crap. i even blogged about it...

......what doesn't kill you, doesn't make you stronger, but teaches you to have your guard up...... monday nov. 7, 2005

anyhoo....i decided to look up the origin of that quote....whew....this is great, and i think the next time i see a christian quote it, particularly a "christian" who loves judging and bashing other people before really knowing them and understanding where they are coming from......i may just respond with the following link...


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friedrich_Nietzsche

like i said, i'm a bit cynical lately....maybe tomorrow i'll be nicer....??

hmmmmm

.....why does life feel so one way.....sometimes i just don't even want to try.

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quality over quanity

...although it was KILLING me last night, i opted not to post, therefore ending my streak. 54 days. that's my record. that's pretty good.........for me........i'm not very consistent.....but i'm finally okay with the erratic, unpredictable behavior i have.....it's just who i am......thing is, my motives are pure and it's a wonderful peaceful thing to have a clean conscience. i try to do the right thing......put jesus first...then my family....then the people i see regularly....etc....i really try to make a difference......although i don't have much to offer, what i do offer is sincere.

which is why i'm finished with trying to post, every night.....just to say i "post every night".....

i COULD find something to say every night, but i have enough pressure in my life right now...................which is evident by the fact that i cannot get back to sleep and decided to post......sigh




TGIF

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kids

.....i have bad days. specifically bad....generally bad....due to past issues....current issues....future issues....
....however, there is nothing like being cheered up by a kid....my own or the kids from school....
kids are honest....don't have walls up....don't pretend when they are insecure....adults kind of annoy me......ha
....i love kids....

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snow day

i cleaned my closet out today.....found some clothes i haven't worn since ri....bittersweet. some things really seem like a dream and others feel like a nightmare. i just want to get to that looking back day....you know, the one where you see how it all fit together and made sense......what?? it's coming....lots of very strong christian people told me it is......
Ugh.....i wish i would have worked today....too much thinking....

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