...........i'm really happy for the most part..........regardless of how some of my writings come across.

i'd just like a few things to change/improve, so if you are the praying type......when you are praying....can you just mention that to god? "god, yeah, um, the swinburnes are looking for some stuff to change/improve....can you work on that?"

thanks.

ps.......

wow. i read through a lot of my old posts.........it's nice to realize that i've grown and am not so cynical and jaded..........okay, i am a little cynical and jaded. ;)

i miss blogging. i actually forgot how to post.

i'm annoyed with people in general so i figured i'd get it out of my system. it's very possible i am one or all of the things i'm about to complain about, but never the less....(is that one word?)....i will rant.

it's christians really. you see, people who don't consider themselves "born again", live their lives the way they want to.....sometimes in a more godly way than christians.....they don't worry about following the legalistic ways of their church, they don't concern themselves with church at all really. sigh......i'm just tired of lukewarm christians. i'm beginning to think that most christians just want a pass out of hell, and aren't really interested at all in pleasing god, or winning others to christ.

i know. a lot of you will say........"you're one to talk".............i don't really care. i've made many mistakes, and still will. but i do believe that people who have hit rock bottom have something in them.........an intuition? a sensitivity? i don't know. maybe it's just a realization of what real unconditional love is? especially after true repentance takes place.

i guess if i had the guts i'd just go up to the people who i'm judging, ha, yeah, that's what it boils down to.........and say, "get off your high horse and do something with your christianity. there are people i know who are not christ followers that are kinder, more generous, happier, more patient, and less proud than you."

time to make dinner.

ask me about 'M'.....

read this on a friends blog.....

The 'Following Jesus' Manifesto

January 7, 2007
[rhymes with kerouac]

1. Stop talking about Jesus. Just stop. If we loved the people around us half as much as we say we love Jesus the rest of this manifesto would be entirely redundant.
   
2. Live a secret life. Invest the time, effort and vulnerability necessary to delve deeply into the scripture and prayer. Spend long periods of time in stillness. There is no shortcut to this, there is no other way. Without a deep and secret life we soon find ourselves talking about Jesus instead of being like Jesus.
   
3. Stop pretending. I'm a Christian, and I suck. So do you. Let's get that out of the way, shall we?
   
4. Give more than you get. There will always be more than enough.
   
5. Be present for those around you. Following Jesus has nothing to do with your work, your resume or your income. In fact, nothing that matters does.
6. Treasure broken-ness. Our broken places are sacred spaces in our heart. Honour them. Value them. In doing so you love the unlovely, publicly declaring the beauty of God's image in everyone. Greet the broken with comfort and cool water.
7. Throw a party.
   
8. Know Jesus well enough to recognize him on the street. This is rather important, because he can always be found on the street - and he usually looks more like a pan-handler than a preacher.
9. Accept ingratitude and abuse as a fixed cost. Embrace them, and then go the extra mile.
10. If you follow Jesus, you will anger religious people. This is how you will know.
    

Article originally appeared on Daily Life in a Homeless Shelter (http://mission.squarespace.com/).

...there's a new class of people in this world....it's probably been around for a long time, but it has become more obvious to me because i'm part of it now....they are the broken, jaded, cynical, hurting 'former church goers'.....but, they are still followers of christ......the problem with this group is that they don't know where they belong......they feel either abandoned by their churches, or betrayed by their churches, or just disgusted by their churches.....um, former churches......over the past year or so, i've meet probably close to one hundred of these people...many who come to us with questions.....all still wanting to let their lights shine for christ......what is going on?.....with churches i mean?.....how in the world are we supposed to draw those who don't know christ toward HIM, when we are so concerned with church politics, or pleasing the big givers, or even not facing embarrassing sin issues......the problems that plague the church, aren't in the 'world', they are in the church....god help us

i’ve been frustrated lately….frustrated that i don’t have goals….that i’m not focused……that i’m apathetic…..sometimes it’s tough to read these posts, here and at various other blogs……so many people have such exciting full lives…….my day so far has consisted of……my daily fight with my 6 year old, audrey, over skorts vs skirts……she wants to wear a skirt everyday but i won’t let her because she doesn’t know how to sit properly……….then, i entered my kitchen and there were ants EVERYWHERE……..in the midst of killing the ants with mop-n-glo because i couldn’t find anything else, audrey was freaking out because i wouldn’t let her have the snack she wanted……..then i couldn’t find my car keys so i had to call a neighbor to bring the girls to school…….they left, but not before audrey came up to me, squeezed me tight and said i’m sorry mom……..i hugged her back, and said good-bye…….it’s not easy, but for now, i’ll embrace it with everything i have because, this is what i do…….

:)

.....17 and a half years in the making......
.........our son, dale, is graduating in 12 days......after 8 years of homeschooling, 3 and a half years of public school in rhode island, moving in the middle of 11th grade to a new school in maryland, moving the summer before his senior year to a new school in baltimore......i think he actually did it......might i add he did manage to squeeze in a couple of appearances on the honor roll as well.......it's so true that they grow up in a flash..........now if i can just keep my sanity for the next 11 years as i watch our 3 daughters attempt the same.............................................

......the counselor at the elementary school audrey and gwen go to called me today.....the 4th, maybe 5th time since friday, when gwen poured her heart out to her about what has happened in our lives this past year, told her everything......this counselor has relentlessly pursued us since, wanting to help us make a better life for ourselves.........amazing.......

...."i'm really glad i know you."

my grandma said that to me today......

i'm blessed with an awesome husband and children..........i can't believe it sometimes

.....my son makes me laugh so hard sometimes, it annoys emily.....in a good way

dale is awesome......he is easily the most faithful, consistent, dedicated, committed, and so much more........person, husband, father, christian, employee and so much more.......

emily and i laughed so hard we cried last night.....over a bowl of pretzels.....
pretzels are magical for us.......lol

people are funny........not in a 'ha ha' way......in that other way......

........lessons learned in 363 days.......i would have done this on the full year, but i didn't feel like crying all the way through it.....
..........there is a proverbial 'other shoe', and it will drop....there are absolutely no guarantees in life and god doesn't owe you anything, i don't care how good you think you are....most christians are hypocrites......including church leaders.....including me.......god doesn't care how much i read my bible, he cares how i am living my life, don't get wrapped up into thinking that if you have alot of bible knowledge you are something special, you aren't......god wants action, put your bible down and start living it.....you'll be much more fulfilled if you do that...try it.......i'm still tired of crying.....my husband loves me more than i thought.....my kids love me more than i thought....i love them more than i thought, all still true.......church follows more protocol than most businesses i know, still true.......i met some REAL christians this year and they opened my eyes to what joy, contentment and acceptance really are.......i understand why some people want nothing to do with god or church, geez, i want nothing to do with church most days, i didn't say god, i said church, it's only because church is a fake little protective bubble where most christians tightly grip their get-out-of-hell-free card and then just sit back and do nothing else with their lives.....we waste most of our time on stupid stuff............christians wear masks, christians lie, christians are just like everyone else except they just hide their sins better.......why can't we just be ourselves.....my children are smarter than alot of adults i know......my children are more forgiving than alot of adults i know........i'm done with traditional, convenient, lazy christianity, done, when i decide to pull up my old proverbial bootstraps and say to god "i'm ready again", it won't be like before, it won't be just bootstraps i pull up....i'm putting on the wet suit and diving in.......not wading around in it.......i have finally found my wet suit, i am excited about what god is doing with dale and am thrilled to be his partner in life and ministry......life is so much more than keeping up with the joneses and finding the next high.....as much as it is a struggle, living day to day causes me to fully rely on the one who allowed this past year to take place.........i love to look at people's faces as dale preaches or teaches.....he is so gifted......it is exciting to watch god touch people through him.....to hear him talk about what makes him feel alive despite the slow inner death he suffered this past year.........i now know what raw unconditional love is.......but along with that i've had to learn what raw bitter pain, anger and regret is......it sucks to have to 'take the good with the bad'.............i have learned to treasure laughter and smiles and enjoy the little things i used to take for granted, like a window in my bedroom or all six of us watching a movie together.........i have learned to bite my tongue when i need to and speak up when i have to......my faith is a bit shattered but my view of who god is has become much more intimidating and reverent...............i still really love pretzels.......but it's been a while since we have had a casual 'pretzel night'......we have learned what it is like, again, to have to work your tail off and still feel drawn to give time to ministry, it's draining, tiring and doesn't pay financially, but hopefully god will see that we are sold out to him and want to be people who make a difference in this world, once again, and maybe we'll save someone from the same heartache we've had to go through someday...........dale still loves to make coffee for me, it's still the best coffee around, and maybe if you are lucky you'll have the chance to sit with him, have one of his great cups of coffee and hear what it's like to feel abandoned by god, held by god, and used by god..........

"So I Thought"
flyleaf

All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because
so long I was
So in love with you
So I thought

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume
Myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn to much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies
About the times

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it

Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it

Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, healing

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between

.........lessons learned..............

....figured i do a epilogue of sorts to my lessons learned post from a while back........i feel as though i need to share these things or they were a waste.....most people i come into contact with insist that 'everything happens for a reason'......i don't know if that includes what i/we have experienced over the past year or so.......i'm reading a book called 'blue like jazz' and the author was sharing about storytelling....how every story has a setting, a conflict, a climax and a resolution........i don't know if we ever get to fully experience the resolution or not.......i feel as though i am headed towards it for sure but nothing ever seems to resolve.........nonetheless, i have learned things.....and would like to share them this week..........i will be reflecting on my life and those lessons in these next few days so i can share them here............