safe

....as insecure i can tend to get about certain things in our day to day life, i am so very thankful that i feel safe. safe with dale. safe when i'm home with my family. just safe. i was thinking about the next few years....it's going to be tough....but then i thought about feeling safe. now. five years ago i did not feel safe. i was scared about everything. worried about everything.
......and here we are. safe. from what? i don't know....but i just feel safe. strangely content. happy. peaceful. not a whole lot has changed either.....that's growth i suppose....

anyway.....i am liking how god has comforted me.....and the icing on the cake is having a husband and kids who make my life complete.

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cheetos

...there are a lot of homeless kids that attend the school where i work. by homeless, it most often means that they do not have a home of their own, but do have a place to live. most of them live with family members or friends. some live in shelters.

it's sad.....obviously. especially the ones who really try hard to be "normal"....of course there are some who are a product of their environment, ie parents, (usually one parent actually) ....it can be frustrating, sad, annoying, confusing....so many emotions....for the children, but also for the staff i work with. many come to school once or twice a week, and if they bring their notebooks & homework it's a miracle. many get bussed in from the city, or shelters. some have long drives. some come by taxi.

there is one student, i'll call them "chris".....this student is one of the sweetest students in the school. rarely complains. always smiles. shares supplies with others (supplies that the school gives to them).....i know that chris's living conditions are very humble. very. one room to be exact.....for 4 people. chris wears the same little fleece jacket every day, but it's clean. i noticed one day that chris had a t-shirt on with another name on the back of it.....a dead giveaway that some kind soul had given clothes to the family.

every morning chris runs up to me and hugs me. every afternoon chris tells me thank you for helping. chris is a child. for the life of me i cannot fathom how a child with next to nothing has the presence of mind to ask how my day is on a consistent basis....i mean, aren't ALL children inherently selfish. ;)

anyway, so yesterday was valentine's day. i was in chris's classroom as things were being passed out. snacks, goodies, cards and candy. chris had a plate on his/her desk....sitting there. all the kids were inhaling food faster than it could be handed out. not chris.

chris walked over to me and said, "mrs. swinburne, take some cheetos." i declined. chris insisted. so i took one. chris then grabbed a chocolate bar out of the bag of valentine's he/she had received, and handed it to me. i declined. chris insisted. i'm almost tearing up at this point. then chris came to me and said, "can you give me a ziploc bag, so i can take home the rest of my cheetos for later?" i went and got the ziploc bag, and helped her put her 8-10 cheetos in the bag, while i watched many other students throw theirs away. i got my daily hug, and a "thanks for helping."

i need to be more like chris.

feb 14......

Love is.......
...a hardworking husband
....a date right in my own bedroom
....a smile at the end of a hard day
.....grateful kids
.....simplicity
....and a lot of other stuff but i'm trying to enjoy a movie w/my honey.....so.....buh bye...

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love is pain

"Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."

cs lewis


i'm really not a cynic....i just am at the point in life where i've been exposed to many facets of love....some i welcome, some out of necessity, some came naturally.......i really don't think people understand love and therefore i continue to hear news of relationships breaking up.....

love and like should go hand in hand in a relationship.....they don't always....and i suppose sometimes we deeply love those that we strongly dislike......life is pain. love is pain. is the risk worth it?? i think it makes us stronger people....loving others. being selfless. it makes us like christ.

sometimes when we go through situations that turn us inside out and make us vulnerable....we are able to love others more. we are able to empathize with the pain people suffer. not that it's something we strive towards......being turned inside out.....but more often than not, it does make us more.....more something.....


just more...i suppose....

valentine's eve eve

.....maybe it should be renamed "hallmark-buy-a lot-of-chocolate-day"....or something like that?
...eh, i love pink and red so i kind of like the girly feel of it....and i love candy....but honestly, special gifts and cards and dates mean so much more when they happen randomly....they really do....
not to mention the fact that romantic love just skims the surface....real love happens when you've been to hell & back~together~and are still holding hands when walk you out of the fire....or after you've climbed back up from rock bottom and have taken turns giving each other a boost.....there are no flowers or candy in those places......just real love.
.....it feels good to know true love.....

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parenting 101

i wish there really was such a class......

i just don't know how to do it sometimes. one of the most difficult things to deal with (for me) is seeing one of my kids struggling, sad, discouraged, angry, hurting...etc....i want to make it right. i want to fix it. second to that is hearing one of my kids say "you don't like me." now, i know she (shocker it's one of my daughters) doesn't mean it....but i still want to get to the bottom of it....turns out, she thinks i never punish the others and that i favor certain kids over her......sigh.....i suppose that's something that i cannot really objectively figure out if i'm really doing. i try and try to be "equal", but with so many personalities, ages and issues....i often wonder if i'm fair....i know for sure that i'm not consistent, so you'd think that would favor their side....just the fact that i KNOW i do not discipline like i really should or as often as necessary....i do more yelling than anything. my kids have come to think that getting yelled at is getting punished....sad. is it too late? am i a failure? sometimes i feel like more of a failure in a lot of areas than  a success by any means. there are no answers....

so i did what any neurotic mom would do. i called a family meeting. ugh....i'm a dork. i figured if i had the one confront the others about what was bothering her, it would fix everything. until i realized the other three disagreed and then it was three against one.......ugh. what can i say, the peacemaker in me will never die. it's who i am. yet i still feel like nothing was resolved. i will pray that some sort of tiny seed was planted in each one of them tonight....that at the very least they'll see that i was trying. trying to create peace. trying to show each of them how different they are, and to embrace the differences. oh, and yes, i told them that they are the best friends each of them will ever have....and as corny and cliche as that sounds, i hope they take it to heart and look back and remember this night as "the night mom tried to fix everything".....again.....sigh.......




this is so hard, and after 21+ years of being a mom, i still cry about how helpless i feel sometimes........maybe i'll be the perfect grandma......

family

beautiful, funny, unique, caring, helpful, exasperating, encouraging, silly, secure, comforting, fun, loving, devoted, christ-like, selfless......

So much more.

These are just a few ways i can describe ny husband and children....they've been a constant in my life and i'm so thankful for how they've stood by me.....i don't have a lot by the world's standards but i am so rich....really rich.....

They just make me really happy....that's what prompted this.....

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dreaming

i'll admit, i do not like dreaming....like the kind when you sleep....(i'm pretty good at daydreaming, and quite like it)....i had a dream last night that disturbed my sleep. when i sleep, i want to sleep. i don't want to watch some movie starring me.........i just don't. this dream was really weird too........senseless.......why can't dreams be prophesies.....or answers to prayers that are on their way???? to give us a little hope??

i fall asleep praying a lot and feel like my dreams should be peaceful because of that.....isn't that a fair trade off? fall asleep talking to god....have peaceful sleep. no dreams. i want to sleep and then wake up rested....

i'm tired today......i wish we didn't have to get up at 4:45 tomorrow....i don't like it.

two days til friday........what a dumb blog post.......

starbucks, target and girl talk

Yeah......that was my night.....well driving the girls back and forth all over columbia for their bible studies....picking up their friends...dropping off.....and in between.....starbucks, target and girl talk with deanna.....good times......especially the part where gwen's friend from school said she wants to go back.....

i'm exhausted 4:30 am til 10pm makes for a long day.....man i wish there was snow in the forecast tomorrow.......

Nighty night.....

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self control and the 10 year old

.....audrey asked me if she could buy a coloring book while we were in cvs today. she was, and still is, on cloud nine because she got 100% on a math test....her first 100% on a math test since probably second grade when she was moved into gifted and talented math.
....anyway....my policy...kind of a secret policy...is when my girls want anything old fashioned and/or creative...i will get it (within reason)......so we get home, do homework, eat, clean up and she breaks out the coloring book...but not before she hands me the above picture....she tells me to lock all the disney and nickelodeon channels.....she wants to take a break from them. and also wants to know if on demand can be locked. :)

.....it's amazing what a little less technology and tv can do in your family....(our computer died and ever since it did, we've been much more organized and productive).....

it was a pretty decent day...(well, em had a tough day actually and that made me sad)....girls made honor roll....helped out a lot....i had a couple simple prayers answered and i'm feeling content for the moment....ha

.....ahhhhh....i will NOT miss zac & cody.....:)

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superbowl 45

great fun and food with friends.....boring game...maybe because i really couldn't care less about either team. i just wish the superbowl wasn't played on a sunday night...don't they realize that most of the world has real jobs that don't pay millions of dollars to do something we really love doing?

 sigh........

john 3:17

....if i was going to the superbowl, i would hold that up.
.......okay, i actually wouldn't....but don't those people that hold up john 3:16 realize that people take it for granted? i would almost venture to say....well, i will say....that it's almost as much of an impact as "d-fense" or "hi mom"....maybe that sounds sacreligious but i wish people would be more creative. christian people in particular....not that i'm a super witnessing missional christian but i think sometimes those john 3:16 placard holding christians are more concerned about getting brownie points with god and other christians than really winning others to christ.

i just don't know what is the best way to share the gospel sometimes.....maybe the john 3:16 sign works??

i thought about posing a question on my facebook regarding this...hoping my friends who are not from my christian circles would give me insight.....but sadly i realized that if i did that the christian-ese would take over and scare people away.....

i'm a little cynical, no?

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tgif

this is yet another post..."just to post"....lame. i know....

i'm too tired to think...i'm posting from my phone....in line at walgreens drive through.....waiting....for ten minutes now....eh, it's better than waiting inside i suppose?

wish i brought coffee......

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my crazy family.......

this was just after a wrestling match between the girls....lots of laughing....all six of us just hanging out....talking....laughing....doing homework.....stuff.....

home sweet home

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groundhog day

who came up with it? why do people fall for it?

uh yeah, i can't think of what to write......

oh...i was really dizzy all day and got to thinking....i wonder if i have a tapeworm? ew....well....it's because i was dizzy, felt really weird, nauseous, sort of hungry yet nothing satisfied me....

huh, maybe i just need a snickers.......

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when prayers become wishes

yeah. i said it. prayers/wishes.....aren't they kind of the same? i mean, lately i feel like i'm wishing.....wishing because i don't know if i'm praying the "right" thing....asking in the "right" way.....or if i should even be asking at all....

i recently read an article in relevant magazine about prayer. one thing that stuck out was this.....try to pray without saying "i pray....blah blah blah".....it's hard. it's pretty much like saying, i want or i hope or i ask....not that it's a bad thing, but i started to feel like my praying was my list of requests too much. of course there are plenty of things i do want, mostly for others at this point in my life (guilt will do that to you)....but i truly want a better and more content existence for those i love.....life isn't fair....it ISN'T!!!! why is it fair that my husband has a jerk for a boss? i know his work ethic. it isn't fair.

i've been praying/wishing/asking/hoping that things would change....lots of things....some have....most haven't....i don't know how to pray anymore. is there a point to praying anymore? should i just say to god, "i'm done asking." i mean, he does know already.

what's the difference between praying and wishing? i found out this week. yes, i'm frustrated with unanswered prayers. VERY FRUSTRATED. (why am i smelling paint right now.....ugh)
anyway.....i started praying this week and consciously tried to leave out "i pray" or anything like that....i found myself being forced to give thanks more....and just be quiet....focus on god.

he knows what we need. as much as it hurts to see people i love struggling.....he sees it too, and i am pretty sure he's got a plan. yeah, i'll still ask for things....but for some reason, i have a lot more faith when i take time to thank him for the part of his plan that he's already unfolded....i don't always like waiting. um, i don't like the waiting.....but i think it's part of his plan...........

1/31/11

....well....i made it a straight month.
i'm actually quit proud of myself because i'm not disciplined....at all. like, pathetically undisciplined.
....i want a cat....the girls want a cat. they have decided to keep the house immaculate so that they can prove their discipline. they are better at it than i am.......the first floor of the house has been really nice for a long time. i don't know if we'll get a cat. but i really like it like this.
i cannot seem to get any coherent thinking down.....that's me i suppose. undisciplined. inconsistent. slightly lazy. unorganized. over thinking....i suppose it explains why i like extended ellipses......i never stop thinking......i think to much. not like smart, intellectual thinking....rambling, chain reaction thinking......and i write to get it out.....i write to hope someone will get me? i write to hope someone will know there's other people who have a lot of junk in their head..........

i have as many drafts as posts...........maybe those are the real me?

i need some coffee........

one twelth of 2011 is gone. i give it a "C"......better than failure...hoping for at least a "B" for feb....however know that is a lot to expect for the shortest month of the year......let's hope i'm wrong.

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church

we went there.
.....church is interesting. why do people go? i'm going to get up the nerve and ask that on fb sometime....but the trick will be getting some people to respond without all their christian-ese....
i really want to know why people go.

it was nice to sit still for an hour.....even if a lot of the time was spent making a mental to-do list for the week......

i wonder what would define the perfect church.....i wonder.....

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leadership collective

i decided to attend today so i could hear dale speak. as expected he did not disappoint.....this i know because i could see the people on the edge of their seats....hanging on every word he spoke. i teared up at one point because i miss seeing him in his element.
it was wonderful.
what was even more rewarding.....seeing people line up to prod his brain after he finished....questions...comments, even people asking him if he'd speak at their places of work.
it was surreal at times....i love hearing him speak....i hope it's just the beginning of a new beginning......

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ready for change

so tonight and tomorrow dale is taking part in a leadership conference at "our church".....(the quotes are because if and when we go to church, it's this one)....i'm an optimist. maybe i'm unrealistic? but i'm really hoping and praying that something great will take place at this event, for him.....um, for everyone of course.....but i'm really hoping he feels like this can be an avenue to finding a better job. yeah....did i say i'm an optimist? why not? there will be lots of people there, i think? i'm hoping someone there will say to themselves "why is this guy in construction?"......ah, this is where dale comes in.....i really hope he finds a way to drops seeds tonight....i want him to make it known that construction is NOT his greatest strength...although, most things that dale puts his hand too, end up being a strength.....i remember him telling me once that he wanted to learn how to play piano....i panicked because i knew ultimately, he'd be better than me...(not that i'm that good or anything anyway)

so......whoever the two or three people are that read this blog.....i don't even know if you are the praying type but i REEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY want this for him. i want a new career path for him. i want those connections made for him tonight and tomorrow. i'm just so tired of seeing him drained from a job that gives him no satisfaction or purpose. it's time.

http://www.gcchoco.org/LeadershipCollectiveRegistration/tabid/156/Default.aspx