sooooo.....

sometimes i'm embarrassed by the things i complain about.....i want to learn to shut up.

it's especially humbling when i have to eat my words. we went to salisbury university just under two weeks ago. it was freshman preview day. it was exciting, scary, sad, bittersweet....so many things for me, and i'm sure for emily as well. i felt old. i felt young. she and i sat in a few sessions, together and individually. we ate lunch. she chose her classes.

let me just say that she never doubted that she'd be there in the fall. i did.
she never thought about the money. i did.
she had faith. i did not.
about money.
and that disgusts me sometimes.

money is no bigger to god than keeping me breathing each day, and yet i make it bigger. i make it a bigger thing than most things. i want to let go of money.

after the last session we drove over to the financial aid office. walked in and were pleasantly greeted with a "how can i help you?" i asked if i could get the latest on her account....how much she had towards her 2011-12 school year.....the woman proceeded to write down each and every grant and scholarship emily had earned and then confirmed that she did in fact get the loan i was certain she would not get. :/

we will drop her off august 25.

god does what we cannot fathom or trust him to do.....he owns a cattle on a thousand hills. he knows the number of hairs on my head. yet i doubt him consistently.

i look forward to seeing what else he'll do........

homeless jesus

I've come to know the Jesus that a lot of people don't know...I think. He is not the clean, pretty, dressed up, American-ized Jesus that resides in many churches on Sunday morning.....careful to say only what people like to hear...pleased with all the pretty outfits...comfy in a padded warm pew....
No. Mind you, this meeting for me...was not necessarily by choice but out of a dark place I threw myself into....
He is the homeless Jesus. The one who says and does things that aren't easy to hear....the one who wanders, stares me down and let's me know I've got it better than I think.... He is real.

I've seen the same homeless man a few times since I've arrived in OC. Don't ask me why it got me thinking of all this.....maybe because I'm tired of seeing people play church? Maybe because he is what church should be.

I don't care for Easter Sunday....in the sense that it's a day of dress up.....which I cannot afford to keep up with.....a day of hypocrisy....which I CAN compete with, but am trying to eliminate from my life....a day of candy and egg hunts....which I love & prefer over church but have been taught is sacrilege...

Sigh....Jesus has never been more real to me....and it's all happened since we stopped attending church regularly.....hmmmm.

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*proper punctuation

don't like it. i don't think in normal sentences........thus...........i like all lower case because it looks better to me...and when i write.....i don't want rules. i think randomly.....i think a lot.

i don't stop....i have a lot on my mind.............................

i don't write it all down, but i'm thinking of it someday......


that's all.

where did i put my soap box.....????

oh, here it is:
ready.
set.
go.

money. privilege. life. luck. disappointment. okay, i'll write in clearer sentences, but i will not use proper punctuation*.......

so, emily is planning on, bound and determined to, prayerfully anticipating...entering college in the fall. salisbury university to be precise.
emily is a stellar student. (let me brag) she currently has a 4.72 gpa. has never had anything but a's on her report card. has missed maybe 6 days of school in 4 years of high school. she is a part of national honor society. foreign language honor society. future educators of america. art honor society. has been a part of numerous community services based groups and events. has received many glowing letters of reference that have brought more than a couple of people to tears. (good tears)
she has received approximately $5,000 in grants/scholarships (roughly). she needs A LOT more.
another person she knows has more than what they need to go to school. not so great grades. not so many clubs. not as many volunteer hours. what's the catch? divorce. okay. i feel bad for the kid. i do. but seriously?? i don't think it's fair. i really don't. emily is penalized because her parents are married, and work.

it really gets me angry.

who do i complain to about this?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I like laughing.

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nietzsche and the ignorant christians....

okay, so....i'm in a very cynical mood lately. i'm just tired of A LOT. it didn't help to see all the scathing remarks that "christian" people are putting up on twitter, facebook and other various weakling mediums to get their nasty messages out about rob bell's new book coming out... #RobBell site:twitter.com sigh.....

it got me thinking as to how easily led most christians can be.....how much most of them live in their own little christian-ese bubbles, half the time not even knowing why they believe what they believe.

i happened to read this frequently quoted statement on a friend's facebook page, "what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger." first let me say that i've always believed that this was crap. i even blogged about it...

......what doesn't kill you, doesn't make you stronger, but teaches you to have your guard up...... monday nov. 7, 2005

anyhoo....i decided to look up the origin of that quote....whew....this is great, and i think the next time i see a christian quote it, particularly a "christian" who loves judging and bashing other people before really knowing them and understanding where they are coming from......i may just respond with the following link...


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friedrich_Nietzsche

like i said, i'm a bit cynical lately....maybe tomorrow i'll be nicer....??

hmmmmm

.....why does life feel so one way.....sometimes i just don't even want to try.

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quality over quanity

...although it was KILLING me last night, i opted not to post, therefore ending my streak. 54 days. that's my record. that's pretty good.........for me........i'm not very consistent.....but i'm finally okay with the erratic, unpredictable behavior i have.....it's just who i am......thing is, my motives are pure and it's a wonderful peaceful thing to have a clean conscience. i try to do the right thing......put jesus first...then my family....then the people i see regularly....etc....i really try to make a difference......although i don't have much to offer, what i do offer is sincere.

which is why i'm finished with trying to post, every night.....just to say i "post every night".....

i COULD find something to say every night, but i have enough pressure in my life right now...................which is evident by the fact that i cannot get back to sleep and decided to post......sigh




TGIF

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kids

.....i have bad days. specifically bad....generally bad....due to past issues....current issues....future issues....
....however, there is nothing like being cheered up by a kid....my own or the kids from school....
kids are honest....don't have walls up....don't pretend when they are insecure....adults kind of annoy me......ha
....i love kids....

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snow day

i cleaned my closet out today.....found some clothes i haven't worn since ri....bittersweet. some things really seem like a dream and others feel like a nightmare. i just want to get to that looking back day....you know, the one where you see how it all fit together and made sense......what?? it's coming....lots of very strong christian people told me it is......
Ugh.....i wish i would have worked today....too much thinking....

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dc/georgetown/china town

...had a fun day with the girls. it's really nice living so close to a lot of fun and free attraction type places.
more importantly it was fun just being in the car for what ended up being most of the day.....most of our visits to dc have been with other people, which is fine but it alters the dynamics of how our conversations flow......today it was quiet at times....and loud at times but we got to be together. and more and more, i'm realizing where my comfort zone is, and it's with my family. i'm pretty sure they feel the same way........

*sigh....as i type this they are bickering.....oh well..... :)

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drafts

i looked at my drafts today.....i have A LOT of drafts which got me thinking about blogging. why do i blog? why do i facebook? why do i use twitter? i treat them all differently too, like i've got some kind of split social networking disease/personality disorder. i treat facebook like a lighthearted way to keep in touch with people, upload funny pics, share stories mostly about my family, my job and my quirky little anecdotes.....twitter is different because i know i don't have a lot of followers, so i vent there, share my more current personal short frustrations....which are sometimes about others.... :/

which brings me to blogging and drafting posts......other than a couple people that i know read my blog regularly....i don't know who my audience is, so therefore i feel more open, AH, but not THAT open apparently because i have many many drafts......who is this for anyway? who am i reaching out to or venting to? i wish god would post a comment.......i think i'm hoping someone will give me all the answers i need....empathize with me....tell me i'm normal....say they have the same problems.....say thanks, i needed to hear that.....some or all of the above i suppose...............

i think all these social networking sites are just a sign of how lonely people really are. of how much people need people, but ironically i feel at times, we are more divided and alone because of facebooking, blogging, tweeting, texting...etc........i long for the old days when i was on my phone for an hour at a time talking to a friend....or i received a random card in the mail from someone.....or someone stopped by for a quick visit. we've become too fast paced because of our instant technology....yet....i am hopelessly attached to all of it.

i hope i can post my drafts someday.....but that would make me vulnerable, so for now i'll just post my edited versions here, and my happy random updates about wedding shows with my girls and funny things first graders do, on facebook, and my encrypted  frustrations about people on twitter.....sigh.......

saturday....edited....

i love the weekend....i wish i could think of something great to post about.....

so, here it is, almost 10 pm now.....i wrote that above comment earlier today, before we spontaneously decided to go see the justin bieber movie.....

as i sat there with my girls and their friends, i realized that people just want to be happy. whether it's a momentary good feeling happy, or long term happiness.....that's what life comes down to happiness. between the smiles on my girls faces, and watching the screaming fans in the movie.....i thought about happiness.

there were a couple scenes that showed justin's mom, grandma and grandpa...beaming with pride. he's close to all three......tears in their eyes as they watched him perform. i watched gwen perform thursday night, and i can relate to that pride. i cannot imagine what it would be like to see my child on a stage with screaming fans at their feet, but i can understand the happiness someone feels when they watch another person doing something they love and are good at.......

i just want my kids to have happiness. if i could go get justin bieber and bring him here i would. moms are weird like that.

i know this may all sound shallow....but aside from our contentment coming from god himself first....we need to be honest and admit that things in this life, on this planet are going to bring us some momentary happiness....and for 104 minutes tonight, i got to escape reality...with my girls, their friends and a 16 year old from canada......

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laughter......

....there's nothing like hearing my girls laughing and fooling around....with each other....with their friends.....to be carefree like that....i wish i could shut out reality and be more carefree.

i'm a blessed mom.

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talent night at the middle school

gwen is singing.
in the middle of the schedule of events.
during what we were just informed will be two hours long.

i will refrain from further comments.

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safe

....as insecure i can tend to get about certain things in our day to day life, i am so very thankful that i feel safe. safe with dale. safe when i'm home with my family. just safe. i was thinking about the next few years....it's going to be tough....but then i thought about feeling safe. now. five years ago i did not feel safe. i was scared about everything. worried about everything.
......and here we are. safe. from what? i don't know....but i just feel safe. strangely content. happy. peaceful. not a whole lot has changed either.....that's growth i suppose....

anyway.....i am liking how god has comforted me.....and the icing on the cake is having a husband and kids who make my life complete.

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cheetos

...there are a lot of homeless kids that attend the school where i work. by homeless, it most often means that they do not have a home of their own, but do have a place to live. most of them live with family members or friends. some live in shelters.

it's sad.....obviously. especially the ones who really try hard to be "normal"....of course there are some who are a product of their environment, ie parents, (usually one parent actually) ....it can be frustrating, sad, annoying, confusing....so many emotions....for the children, but also for the staff i work with. many come to school once or twice a week, and if they bring their notebooks & homework it's a miracle. many get bussed in from the city, or shelters. some have long drives. some come by taxi.

there is one student, i'll call them "chris".....this student is one of the sweetest students in the school. rarely complains. always smiles. shares supplies with others (supplies that the school gives to them).....i know that chris's living conditions are very humble. very. one room to be exact.....for 4 people. chris wears the same little fleece jacket every day, but it's clean. i noticed one day that chris had a t-shirt on with another name on the back of it.....a dead giveaway that some kind soul had given clothes to the family.

every morning chris runs up to me and hugs me. every afternoon chris tells me thank you for helping. chris is a child. for the life of me i cannot fathom how a child with next to nothing has the presence of mind to ask how my day is on a consistent basis....i mean, aren't ALL children inherently selfish. ;)

anyway, so yesterday was valentine's day. i was in chris's classroom as things were being passed out. snacks, goodies, cards and candy. chris had a plate on his/her desk....sitting there. all the kids were inhaling food faster than it could be handed out. not chris.

chris walked over to me and said, "mrs. swinburne, take some cheetos." i declined. chris insisted. so i took one. chris then grabbed a chocolate bar out of the bag of valentine's he/she had received, and handed it to me. i declined. chris insisted. i'm almost tearing up at this point. then chris came to me and said, "can you give me a ziploc bag, so i can take home the rest of my cheetos for later?" i went and got the ziploc bag, and helped her put her 8-10 cheetos in the bag, while i watched many other students throw theirs away. i got my daily hug, and a "thanks for helping."

i need to be more like chris.