........lessons learned in 363 days.......i would have done this on the full year, but i didn't feel like crying all the way through it.....
..........there is a proverbial 'other shoe', and it will drop....there are absolutely no guarantees in life and god doesn't owe you anything, i don't care how good you think you are....most christians are hypocrites......including church leaders.....including me.......god doesn't care how much i read my bible, he cares how i am living my life, don't get wrapped up into thinking that if you have alot of bible knowledge you are something special, you aren't......god wants action, put your bible down and start living it.....you'll be much more fulfilled if you do that...try it.......i'm still tired of crying.....my husband loves me more than i thought.....my kids love me more than i thought....i love them more than i thought, all still true.......church follows more protocol than most businesses i know, still true.......i met some REAL christians this year and they opened my eyes to what joy, contentment and acceptance really are.......i understand why some people want nothing to do with god or church, geez, i want nothing to do with church most days, i didn't say god, i said church, it's only because church is a fake little protective bubble where most christians tightly grip their get-out-of-hell-free card and then just sit back and do nothing else with their lives.....we waste most of our time on stupid stuff............christians wear masks, christians lie, christians are just like everyone else except they just hide their sins better.......why can't we just be ourselves.....my children are smarter than alot of adults i know......my children are more forgiving than alot of adults i know........i'm done with traditional, convenient, lazy christianity, done, when i decide to pull up my old proverbial bootstraps and say to god "i'm ready again", it won't be like before, it won't be just bootstraps i pull up....i'm putting on the wet suit and diving in.......not wading around in it.......i have finally found my wet suit, i am excited about what god is doing with dale and am thrilled to be his partner in life and ministry......life is so much more than keeping up with the joneses and finding the next high.....as much as it is a struggle, living day to day causes me to fully rely on the one who allowed this past year to take place.........i love to look at people's faces as dale preaches or teaches.....he is so gifted......it is exciting to watch god touch people through him.....to hear him talk about what makes him feel alive despite the slow inner death he suffered this past year.........i now know what raw unconditional love is.......but along with that i've had to learn what raw bitter pain, anger and regret is......it sucks to have to 'take the good with the bad'.............i have learned to treasure laughter and smiles and enjoy the little things i used to take for granted, like a window in my bedroom or all six of us watching a movie together.........i have learned to bite my tongue when i need to and speak up when i have to......my faith is a bit shattered but my view of who god is has become much more intimidating and reverent...............i still really love pretzels.......but it's been a while since we have had a casual 'pretzel night'......we have learned what it is like, again, to have to work your tail off and still feel drawn to give time to ministry, it's draining, tiring and doesn't pay financially, but hopefully god will see that we are sold out to him and want to be people who make a difference in this world, once again, and maybe we'll save someone from the same heartache we've had to go through someday...........dale still loves to make coffee for me, it's still the best coffee around, and maybe if you are lucky you'll have the chance to sit with him, have one of his great cups of coffee and hear what it's like to feel abandoned by god, held by god, and used by god..........