i wish i could be more consistent with writing. i like it.
anyway......
this is what i was thinking today:
i do not reflect enough on the past. we are always told (especially as christians who have turned away from the old, and moved on to the new) to look forward, have faith....have hope....don't dwell on the past.
well.
we need to do it sometimes. yes. it's painful. yes. it's baggage. yes. it really rots sometimes. especially when your baggage is rotten garbage.
BUT.....for once today, i sat in my car during my lunch break at work....in the cold rain.....eating my lunch. i love doing that. it's quiet. i'm alone. i look forward to it. i think.
this is what i did: i thought about the past. the ugly past. the past i cannot change but which has made me who i am. it also reminded me that yes, a lot of things are really crappy BUT....a lot of things have gotten better. if we do not reflect on the past we cannot see how far we have come. if we are always focused on what god might do, or what we hope he does, we cannot see what he has already done. i don't do that enough.....he HAS done some healing in us. he HAS given us some peace. he HAS blessed us.
i'll be honest though....most days i'm not happy with it.....i want more. i want EVERYTHING fixed. i not only want it fixed, i want it better than it was before.....there's that little part of me that creeps up...a lot...and whispers....you've come so far as a person, you deserve more.... ha ha ha ha.....i taunt god with my rationale.....ugh....i digress....
so here it is: i'm thankful beyond words that i'm not who i used to be, i miss what i had....meaning things mostly... but i had it as a person i do not want to ever be again....i regret and will never be able to fix how i've made those who i love become people who they probably wish they weren't....but i really don't think god is finished with any of us yet....and i'm sure in another few years....maybe just months or weeks....i'll look back and say...."wow, i'm glad i'm not who i was on november 16 anymore....i've come so far...."
