thinking...

i had too much caffeine yesterday. well, not too much......i just hadn't had any since sunday and my body had to readjust....meaning, i was wide awake for a while after i went to bed....thoughts spinning. the chain reaction of thoughts that race through my head is so amazing sometimes.........it's a bit annoying because sometimes i want to go back to the first thought and dwell on it a bit and i'm already on the fourteenth thought...........ah, i digress...

anyway, i got to thinking about christians. yeah. christians. i have a lot of guilt sometimes because we do not go to church faithfully....or at all....audrey is being raised churchless....whereas dale and emily went to church faithfully for quite a while, and gwen did for a couple years???? this weighs on me. but why???

guilt? who knows? it made start thinking about what i like about NOT going to church too........most of the people who want to know about jesus...are not attending church. i've gotten to share little bits and pieces of my beliefs with those people.....i haven't led any of them in the abc's of salvation or taken them down the romans road yet....but they know a little bit about what it means to be a christian at least....yeah, that guilt weighs on me too.....the whole sinner's prayer thing....or lack of sharing it...

when i think of christians attending church........i picture a race (this is the part that was racing through my head the most last night).....a race where they are each in a car or they are a car (the analogy is a bit fuzzy)....and jesus is at the head of the pack....they are all following him, not looking back....racing after him....trying to catch up to him......looking the best in their fancy cars......all separate from each other.....trying to out do each other....................................................then i think of the christianity that i'm trying to emulate so others will want to be a part of it......................this time i picture a hayride.........jesus is driving a tractor...with a huge wagon flatbed type thing on the back....huge.........i'm on it....sitting so i can see jesus but so i can also see the people behind me in the field...........they aren't on the tractor bed yet........jesus isn't driving fast.....he wants people to be able to hop on.............i can hold my arm out and if someone wants to hop on i can pull them on because we aren't in a race.....we aren't competing with each other............i just want the people to hop on with us because it's a wonderful ride.

anyway.............

two weeks

wow what a couple of weeks can bring you through.....on december 11 i lost my grandma. something that has overshadowed the days leading up to tomorrow. christmas day. it's a tough thing when so many memories of my grandma are around christmas. i don't know when i'll be able to listen to "white christmas" by bing crosby again....maybe next year? i don't know...seeing that each and every christmas will now be a reminder of when she went to heaven.....it's a tough thing to pull christmas cards and sympathy cards out of the mailbox at the same time.....how am i supposed to process that? i still have trouble.....is saying "still" a little premature? it's only been two weeks. someone told me to move on, and have joy ...it that a little premature?.......

in these past two weeks i and my family have been on the receiving end of an incredible amount of generosity....to deal with our grieving, to have a happy christmas....like, incredible. like, feeling undeserving incredible..... i have been humbled beyond belief at the comments that have come along with the gestures of people i work with. people who don't profess to follow jesus. i want to be able to give in that capacity. i wanted to turn around and give more than we received....i pray that i can and will......i have not been able to process what to do with all the kind things that people have said about me....about who i am as a person....honestly, i don't get it....what do i do that's so special??? it's very humbling especially when i feel as though i just smile and am nice to people....is that enough? is that all people need?? that i would smile and be kind.....and occasionally do something tangible (not enough in my opinion) that it would be enough to have people treat me in this way.

i want to claim, and believe that every good thing in me comes from god and grandma.....is that wrong??

i am blessed beyond what i would ever expect...being an imperfect person.....a wife and mother who never feels like she lives up to what her family deserves.....i cannot fathom how god decides why or when we should be blessed with anything, tangible or not...........i pray that he would touch the lives of so many around me as he has touched mine.........with an amazing husband and kids who love me unconditionally.....with friends who look up to me and respect me........and with the peace and joy that only he can give.........

these past two weeks have brought tears of sorrow and tears of joy to my eyes.........almost daily.........i am overwhelmed by what god can do..........