1/31/11

....well....i made it a straight month.
i'm actually quit proud of myself because i'm not disciplined....at all. like, pathetically undisciplined.
....i want a cat....the girls want a cat. they have decided to keep the house immaculate so that they can prove their discipline. they are better at it than i am.......the first floor of the house has been really nice for a long time. i don't know if we'll get a cat. but i really like it like this.
i cannot seem to get any coherent thinking down.....that's me i suppose. undisciplined. inconsistent. slightly lazy. unorganized. over thinking....i suppose it explains why i like extended ellipses......i never stop thinking......i think to much. not like smart, intellectual thinking....rambling, chain reaction thinking......and i write to get it out.....i write to hope someone will get me? i write to hope someone will know there's other people who have a lot of junk in their head..........

i have as many drafts as posts...........maybe those are the real me?

i need some coffee........

one twelth of 2011 is gone. i give it a "C"......better than failure...hoping for at least a "B" for feb....however know that is a lot to expect for the shortest month of the year......let's hope i'm wrong.

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church

we went there.
.....church is interesting. why do people go? i'm going to get up the nerve and ask that on fb sometime....but the trick will be getting some people to respond without all their christian-ese....
i really want to know why people go.

it was nice to sit still for an hour.....even if a lot of the time was spent making a mental to-do list for the week......

i wonder what would define the perfect church.....i wonder.....

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leadership collective

i decided to attend today so i could hear dale speak. as expected he did not disappoint.....this i know because i could see the people on the edge of their seats....hanging on every word he spoke. i teared up at one point because i miss seeing him in his element.
it was wonderful.
what was even more rewarding.....seeing people line up to prod his brain after he finished....questions...comments, even people asking him if he'd speak at their places of work.
it was surreal at times....i love hearing him speak....i hope it's just the beginning of a new beginning......

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ready for change

so tonight and tomorrow dale is taking part in a leadership conference at "our church".....(the quotes are because if and when we go to church, it's this one)....i'm an optimist. maybe i'm unrealistic? but i'm really hoping and praying that something great will take place at this event, for him.....um, for everyone of course.....but i'm really hoping he feels like this can be an avenue to finding a better job. yeah....did i say i'm an optimist? why not? there will be lots of people there, i think? i'm hoping someone there will say to themselves "why is this guy in construction?"......ah, this is where dale comes in.....i really hope he finds a way to drops seeds tonight....i want him to make it known that construction is NOT his greatest strength...although, most things that dale puts his hand too, end up being a strength.....i remember him telling me once that he wanted to learn how to play piano....i panicked because i knew ultimately, he'd be better than me...(not that i'm that good or anything anyway)

so......whoever the two or three people are that read this blog.....i don't even know if you are the praying type but i REEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY want this for him. i want a new career path for him. i want those connections made for him tonight and tomorrow. i'm just so tired of seeing him drained from a job that gives him no satisfaction or purpose. it's time.

http://www.gcchoco.org/LeadershipCollectiveRegistration/tabid/156/Default.aspx

snow day number two

I shoveled today.
I had four cups of coffee.
I watched "Chuck".

I kind of miss work.........

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snow day

Sleeping in....extra coffee...too many cookies....home made mac and cheese(for LUNCH!)....fresh sheets on the bed....clean bathroom closet....hearty shepherds pie for dinner....watched the girls build a snowman, with arms.....too much facebooking....two long phone calls....6 emails to friends & family.....clean kitchen....

all that's missing is dale having a job where he gets snow days too..................

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the lost art of talking

I just talked to a friend from work.....on the phone....for almost an hour.....i need to do that more......it's better than texting, email, facebook or any other electronic communication.

That's all for tonight.....

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my daughters

I had to work today but the kids were off....professional development...ha ha....i don't feel like i developed any further....anyway....emily dropped me off so she could take gwen and audrey to the park (yes, it was cold out....11 degrees)....so off we went in our separate directions.....she took them out to eat, to the park and then a little while later she texted me to ask if they could go to big lots. I said sure......not really knowing what they would do there because i know emily is low on money (in fact she is selling her itouch so she can travel to rhode island) i digress.....so fast forward....it's four o'clock.....they are at school on time to get me and unusually compatible, and giddy as well......we pull up to the house and they tell me to let them run in ahead of me. So gwen and i walk in, she's got her arm around me and i can tell they are all proud of something.
I'm actually getting a little excited during the brief walk from the car to the house.......i walk in to lots of "ta dahs".....now i had asked them to straighten up but this was amazing. they not only cleaned but also bought things to make the house just a little bit homier.....they organized....decluttered....put up pictures and all in all made my day and i'm sure my week......
my kids make me proud just because of who they are but it's a wonderful thing when your children go out of their way to give you joy. i may have had a professional development day today at work, but all those people with their degrees, masters and doctorates cannot hold a candle to what my children will add to my life......



....and now.....i'm off to clean the dinner mess......i gave them the night off....

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arrrrghhhhhhh! ugh!

i just typed a long post and it said error after i posted it from my phone.
grrrrrr.

i'll share it tomorrow.......i'm annoyed now.

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ah saturdays.....

...woke up to dale handing me fresh coffee....costco trip....didn't over spend....cozy house on a bitter cold day....bourne marathon....

Yeah.....i like it....aint got nuttin else to say.

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soooooo.....

I went on facebook and posted....updated....accepted friends...ok, so i did miss facebook......i am social, what can i say.

I did however, almost, forget to blog.

I'm overjoyed that it is Friday.....i don't feel like i have the right to complain about being tired this week though because between mlk day, a snow day and two days with delays....i worked a grand total of 18 hours out of a normal 35....but i am tired nevertheless....things that drain me mentally, take their toll physically i think and with all the down time this week, i dwelt on too much.

time to put worry to rest....let go of things out of my control and really try to trust god...give him all of me and i'm sure he'll take care of us......ok, deep down i'm not sure.....there is doubt, or maybe i should call it impatience? i think my worry is more about his timing. i do have faith that i'll look back and say "wow, he did take care of us." ......i'm just not so thrilled about his timing.....

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leaving and waiting to arrive

we left rhode island exactly five years ago today. i still tear up when i think of that day and the preceeding days and weeks and months...it will never be an easy thing to think about no matter how great things may get here....i miss our unique home....i miss the innocence and perfection we were deceptively living in.....some things feel more real of course, but many things have become raw..............too real......kind of like how scars really feel....you can see them, but they are covered with sensitive skin....constant reminders that something happened.....visually and physically.....

i know a lot of my posts are about all THAT stuff.....it's just there....it all still makes me feel like the wind got knocked out of me. i hate it.

five years since we drove away. five years. may this day mark the beginning of new and great things for the swinburnes. i need it to become a better anniversary of sorts......or something....

boo to marking bad anniversaries....boo.

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back to the mask thing....

...first of all, my train of thought is not so great when i'm entering my posts on my tiny android keyboard....just not the same. i may have to steal the computer from audrey and hope i'm not too tempted to play bejeweled.....not that it's a bad thing...but at this point i'm trying to see how long i can be facebookless....ha ha

so masks of transparency....i just got to thinking recently....after chatting with yet another friend who is going through a marriage breakup....i was thinking....sometimes, people who are the most willing to share bits and pieces of their lives, in order to appear as open books...are often the ones who are hurting the most and burying it the deepest. i say this from experience. been there done that.....i have pin pointed and singled out a few friends recently....asking them point blank if they are "ok".....asking in a way where they knew i meant it. asking in a way where they knew i was ready for honesty.......then the masks came off.....the masks of transparency.....the masks i could see through because i led (past tense) a life of pretending.

i've prayed for a long time that god would use me. that he'd take the baggage, the crap, the history, the masks......and allow it all to make sense somehow....is it worth it?? .....to have the scars...so to speak...of hitting my own personal rock bottom and to have dragged my family along to hit head first and break the impact of my fall.....MEAN SOMETHING TO OTHERS?? is that fair? i don't know. i don't have the answers and this isn't even what i was going to originally write.....dumb android slowing my thoughts down....

anyway......for what it's worth....i still hope i can say something....see through the masks of those who are hurting around me....because sadly, many in religious circles have grown fond of masks...on others and on themselves.....it's easier to pretend to be what the status quo dictates we should be.....tough, resilient, "fine", oblivious....etc....

i'm not finished....my battery is dying and my eyes hurt........

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ice day

.....aka no school....it's always bittersweet when we have snow days because i have to say good-bye to dale. he had to leave today in the crappy weather....snow/sleet/ice mess....he had to work twenty feet up on a ladder that was set up on an icy sidewalk.
i really get angry when i realize what he's had to put up with*......i have been faithfully praying that he'd get a break, a better opportunity, a job he loves....even mildly likes at this point....why did i somehow get blessed with a job i love?

favor.....please pray for dale. maybe i'm not doing it right? cause i just don't understand why he has had to work for one loser after the next....five years running now.....check that....more than five years if i get my math right.....yep. more than five.....



*yeah.....i get angry about it. ALL of it.

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kettle corn, dr pepper and toby mac

....these are a few of my favorite things.
...i had a lot of the first two today and enough of the third to get me moving after a weekend of feeling like crap...and as i predicted........i'm starting to feel better just as my three day weekend is coming to a close.... :/

I spent a good chunk of my sleeping in time today praying and thinking.....i asked god to help me through this day....take away my sadness and help me focus on others more.....i miss my grandma...my first momentary thought today, having a day off was "oh, i'll go see grandma......."......i'm rambling, i know....but it's just been hard knowing she's not sitting in her little recliner saying a daily prayer for me, thinking of me.....it's hard not knowing if there's someone "out there" who "has my back"....spiritually, emotionally......

.....think i need some coffee....haven't had any yet today....i'm gonna put it in my grandma mug......

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friends or not

yesterday i did a lot of errand running....most of it i had emily and gwen with me...we got to talking about friends. actually.....it was more about the lack of close friends and the abundance of aquaintances. sometimes....when you have a lot of aquaintances it can almost be a little deceiving at times....like you've got lots of people to depend on....lots of people who care.....i appreciate how close we are as a family....and value the fact that my girls are selective about who they confide in, who they "follow", who they call their best friends....if anyone....it's bittersweet actually because i think the crap our family has been through has given each of us a unique ability to see through people. of course i'd change a lot of things if i could but i am so thankful that my kids are wise about who they call their friends.......

*note to self: don't write about friendship when you are having an emotionally down week........so glad i just deleted the paragraph i just wrote......sigh.....i guess the good weeks wouldn't be "the good weeks" without crappy weeks to compare them to??

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purple vs yellow

This town has gone crazy......go steelers. He he



My blog posts have turned into "updates" because I am on a fb hiatus....I'm pathetic.

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tgif

That's all.

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stress

I don't like it. I just want my brain to turn off sometimes.....

Can't think. Can't write. Must not break 13 day streak of blogging. Will post something ridiculous.

There. I did.

Transparent masks....coming soon.

Tgif....almost.....

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mask of transparency......

Yeah......i'm going to write about that....how super transparent/wear my heart on my sleeve/what you see is what you get...kind of people....are sometimes the ones who wear the most complicated masks and have some of thickest walls........

More to come.......

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aaahhhhhh

I love love love from 4:30 until bedtime at home with my family.

Love it.

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one one one one one one one one one

Couldn't resist.........and yes....same post (maybe more exciting content) .....in ten months.....he he

Oh and i'm a little turned off by the fact that my mobile blogger droid mispelled separated......sheesh...

Oh another thing.....we have a one hour early dismissal today for the impending snow....ha ha.....that's so southern.....

One more thing......why is it that i really crave chocolate and/or chips when i have no money in my purse for the vending machine??

Yes....i'm supposed to be working.

Happy lots of ones day........he he.....it's the simple things.....

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it's raining men

......so, i'm having a technology fast.....well, it started out as technology and then i decided it would just be facebook and my smart phone (which i am way too addicted to).....i feel as though tv and the wii are not vices for me (yet) so i will allow myself those things in small increments of time....only after i've done productive things at home after work. we'll see how i do.....i already feel a weird sort of guilt because i'm abandoning my scrabble partner, and cousin stephanie....she's already emailed me to tell me it's been 19 hours since my last turn...... :/
So....i just need to do this to prove that i can....my will power is horrendous. i mean, it's made great leaps and bounds in some areas but in the insignificant areas....it stinks. are there insignificant areas of will power? if we can control ourselves in the tiny areas why can't we in the big areas? or vice versa in my case....weird.
so as i said i'm not giving up the wii....and here's why....one of my "areas" is exercise.....the girls are currently dancing to "it's raining men" on the wii....yeah....and just so ya know....that is what prompted me to write this post.........




here goes.......i made it one whole day without facebook or angry birds or excessive texting.......i think i'll shoot for two.

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hi jessica

Thanks for keeping up with my life........ :)

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13

gwen had her friend birthday today.......13 year old girls are cute. :)

i can't believe i have another teen-aged girl...wow time flies. i'm so proud of who she is and the character she has. it's so hard for kids these days.....yet gwen always stands her ground and does what is right. i'm not saying it's without tears, or humiliation at times, but she still stands up for what is right and tries to be an example to her friends......

i'm hoping and praying that i'll be saying these same words when she hits all the other milestone birthdays....16, 18, 21, 30, etc......

hmmmm....

i wish i had something notable to say. i don't.

i think my favorite part of the day was when emily took audrey and gwen with her and i got to do my shopping in peace. i wish i could say the same for when they do the dishes together..... :/

how much sibling bickering is normal..........??? sigh......

almost finished.....

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it's contagious.....

I'm buying more puzzles......

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this is the life....

.....all i can hear is the dishwasher swishing and my fish tank bubbling.....no tv....no wii...no music....just peaceful. Everyone just happens to be lost in something......
.....we took all the Christmas stuff down today......and now i'm sitting in a cozy clean living room watching audrey put a puzzle together.....there's just something about being simple (as i sit here typing a blog post on my phone)......i want things to be simpler. I want my kids to watch less tv....be on the computer less....write letters.....play with toys....color......i guess i just don't want them to grow up. It all happens too fast. .........maybe i'll institute a "little house on the prairie day" each week.....ha.

......i guess i need to start with me....time to sign off.....

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gwen

.....is 13 today
.....is a sweet, caring, compassionate child and always has been since she could speak
.....loves to make her family laugh
.....won't gossip
.....has a beautiful smile
.....is a packrat
.....sings like an angel
.....won't settle for second best
.....asked for homemade pizza for her birthday dinner
.....tends to be loud when she talks
.....loves soccer
.....hates soda
.....says "i love you" to each of us at least 4 times a day
.....has a quirky bedtime routine with audrey
.....is sincerely sorry when she needs to be
.....not really into cleaning
.....is my daughter and has made me a proud mom.

Love you gwyneth lacey

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senseless argument #1

this takes the cake.

the lottery is up to $330,000,000. my family was arguing on what we'd spend it on.

i'm convinced we will never win. sigh....

umbrella

i decided that i was going to blog every day this year. or at least try. :/

sadly. i feel like i do not have anything to write about. i got up. got ready for work....oh, the highlight of my morning was that i finally remembered to program our coffee maker, so i had coffee ready for dale to take to work, and some nice and hot for me as well....except that i didn't get mine until almost two hours after he left so the machine had turned off....hmmmm. it was still hot.....wow this is really dumb.

so....i went to work. it was an uneventful day. oh, a kid told me his step mom is rihanna. hmmmmm. i think she's the girl who sings "under my umbrella-ella-ella-ay-ay-ay...." yeah....i don't believe him of course. hmmm, that reminds me that i wanted to ask for a huge umbrella for christmas because the one i use at school to see the walker/car rider kids to their parents is really tiny. maybe i'll see if they are on sale.....wait, umbrellas probably never go on sale. weird.

weird monday. christmas holiday over. maybe tomorrow i'll have something interesting to write.....ella ella ay ay ay.......yeah, it's stuck in my head now......

journaling

sometimes i don't realize the value of journaling.(journaling isn't a word? well, i'm making it one.) a written record of....life. thoughts. hopes. disappointments. trivialities. it's a good thing to do it. it's a good thing to go back and read. for me at least.

so, i found a tiny spiral notebook in a little end table that was my grandmas that is now mine. it is a journal of a trip she took many years ago. i remember her asking me to read it to her when her eyesight started to go. she loved to read.....that was one of the things that was so sad as she started really going downhill physically....anyway.....all those times i read that to her, i never noticed that if i had flipped it over and read the back of the last page i would have found her notes on sleeping arrangements she had for a bunch of us....she had a bunch of names listed and locations where we would each sleep...during one of our many visits....

it may seem petty. but to me, it meant the world to have that in writing.....she gave and gave and gave. she has inspired me to be a giver. i want 2011 to be a year of giving for me.....time, money, hospitality, food, whatever....i really want opportunities to give.

so yeah.....i'm still thinking about her a lot.....i guess i always will.

one one one one with my number one

new years day
starbucks. barnes and noble. dale. kids laughing and dancing. clean house.
just a few highlights of an awesome day.

i love my family. looking forward to what i truly believe is going to be an amazing year.....

the hope within me is bursting to get out.....

movie time with my number one.