........lessons learned in 363 days.......i would have done this on the full year, but i didn't feel like crying all the way through it.....
..........there is a proverbial 'other shoe', and it will drop....there are absolutely no guarantees in life and god doesn't owe you anything, i don't care how good you think you are....most christians are hypocrites......including church leaders.....including me.......god doesn't care how much i read my bible, he cares how i am living my life, don't get wrapped up into thinking that if you have alot of bible knowledge you are something special, you aren't......god wants action, put your bible down and start living it.....you'll be much more fulfilled if you do that...try it.......i'm still tired of crying.....my husband loves me more than i thought.....my kids love me more than i thought....i love them more than i thought, all still true.......church follows more protocol than most businesses i know, still true.......i met some REAL christians this year and they opened my eyes to what joy, contentment and acceptance really are.......i understand why some people want nothing to do with god or church, geez, i want nothing to do with church most days, i didn't say god, i said church, it's only because church is a fake little protective bubble where most christians tightly grip their get-out-of-hell-free card and then just sit back and do nothing else with their lives.....we waste most of our time on stupid stuff............christians wear masks, christians lie, christians are just like everyone else except they just hide their sins better.......why can't we just be ourselves.....my children are smarter than alot of adults i know......my children are more forgiving than alot of adults i know........i'm done with traditional, convenient, lazy christianity, done, when i decide to pull up my old proverbial bootstraps and say to god "i'm ready again", it won't be like before, it won't be just bootstraps i pull up....i'm putting on the wet suit and diving in.......not wading around in it.......i have finally found my wet suit, i am excited about what god is doing with dale and am thrilled to be his partner in life and ministry......life is so much more than keeping up with the joneses and finding the next high.....as much as it is a struggle, living day to day causes me to fully rely on the one who allowed this past year to take place.........i love to look at people's faces as dale preaches or teaches.....he is so gifted......it is exciting to watch god touch people through him.....to hear him talk about what makes him feel alive despite the slow inner death he suffered this past year.........i now know what raw unconditional love is.......but along with that i've had to learn what raw bitter pain, anger and regret is......it sucks to have to 'take the good with the bad'.............i have learned to treasure laughter and smiles and enjoy the little things i used to take for granted, like a window in my bedroom or all six of us watching a movie together.........i have learned to bite my tongue when i need to and speak up when i have to......my faith is a bit shattered but my view of who god is has become much more intimidating and reverent...............i still really love pretzels.......but it's been a while since we have had a casual 'pretzel night'......we have learned what it is like, again, to have to work your tail off and still feel drawn to give time to ministry, it's draining, tiring and doesn't pay financially, but hopefully god will see that we are sold out to him and want to be people who make a difference in this world, once again, and maybe we'll save someone from the same heartache we've had to go through someday...........dale still loves to make coffee for me, it's still the best coffee around, and maybe if you are lucky you'll have the chance to sit with him, have one of his great cups of coffee and hear what it's like to feel abandoned by god, held by god, and used by god..........

"So I Thought"
flyleaf

All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because
so long I was
So in love with you
So I thought

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume
Myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn to much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies
About the times

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it

Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it

Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, healing

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between

.........lessons learned..............

....figured i do a epilogue of sorts to my lessons learned post from a while back........i feel as though i need to share these things or they were a waste.....most people i come into contact with insist that 'everything happens for a reason'......i don't know if that includes what i/we have experienced over the past year or so.......i'm reading a book called 'blue like jazz' and the author was sharing about storytelling....how every story has a setting, a conflict, a climax and a resolution........i don't know if we ever get to fully experience the resolution or not.......i feel as though i am headed towards it for sure but nothing ever seems to resolve.........nonetheless, i have learned things.....and would like to share them this week..........i will be reflecting on my life and those lessons in these next few days so i can share them here............

.....lessons learned........

....a while back i posted 'lessons learned in 49 days'.......i'd like to comment on that now......

....don't ever think you know how people will react when you are in crisis.....you will be disappointed...this hasn't changed, but, i have learned that i shouldn't depend on people anyway......never think you are at your strongest....you aren't.....never think you are at your weakest.....you aren't... this is more true than i ever realized......i really don't get some verses in scripture that i always thought i understood....they just don't make sense when you seem to prove them wrong.. ....... i don't believe i have proved any scripture wrong, i do still question god and i believe that is a good thing, it has made my walk more real.....i'm tired of crying.....still tired, and yet there is a weird sort of relief that comes from deep sobbing ...my husband loves me more than i thought.. still true, but even more so, he loves me exactly like jesus has instructed him to, without wavering, through good times and bad.......my kids love me more than i thought..not only do i know this to be true, they tell me often and reassure me often.......i love them more than i thought...in a deep way only crisis can teach ...church follows more protocol than most businesses i know...i could write an entire post on this, i firmly believe this more and more and unfortunately believe this is the reason why those who haven't found christ yet will probably not find him in the 'church'.....what does faith mean?....faithful?.....faithfulness?......not sure anymore......i was posting on another site about faith recently and someone encouraged me with this "You may know what it is to walk in darkness. Sometimes faith is walking in darkness and simply refusing to quit. Sometimes faith is just hanging on. The character of faith that allows us to be transformed by suffering and darkness is not doubt-free certainty; rather, it is tenacious obedience.”.............people that really pray have true peace and joy in their lives...this still stands and these are the people that draw the lost to christ, because those that don't know god yet see something in these people that they want....how is it that i really know who is praying for me...i can't know ....i understand why some people want nothing to do with god or church......yeah, because for a while, i wanted nothing to do with church or god, i have drawn back to god and church, well, that is on the horizon, but the meaning of church has changed for me......we waste alot of time on stupid stuff.....we waste most of our time on meaningless selfish things, i've learned to put my 'self' last, and i will continue to work on that.......christians wear masks...why can't we just be ourselves...christians wear masks (myself included) because we are afraid to let people see our weakness, my weaknessess have become public knowledge and in a weird sort of way that has been freeing......my children are smarter than alot of adults i know......my children are more forgiving than alot of adults i know....my kids are incredible and they could all, all four of them, teach any adult christian how to forgive, how to love, how to be real and how to endure persecution.......i think my toes brushed rock bottom.....my whole body slammed rock bottom, and that was necessary to complete break me, so i would be forced into placing my life completely back in the makers hands.....why are people christians, really?.......is it a noun or a verb?....i heard something very interesting when we were out in LA , back when jesus walked this earth, his followers were called just that ,'followers of christ', the non-followers called them christians, i think 'follower of christ' is more appropriate and reminds me exactly why i am a christian, to follow him, to make others followers of him, not to continually feed myself with 'church' but to get out there and do it, it's a verb, not a noun....there aren't many things we know for sure....i know NOTHING for sure anymore, even the things i thought were a sure thing when we left our home, have evaporated, gone...but i do know this......the past is the past, you can try to erase things, but it still leaves the paper all fuzzy and grey, i've given the wrong people the pencil at times, sometimes a pen, sometimes a permanent marker.......the future is a book with blank pages, i am chosing carefully who i let use the pen......the past is still a part of my book and sadly many have worn out those pages and even filled in a little of their own commentary, but that happens, god has mercifully given me a beautiful white ream of paper to fill up again, and i will not let anyone use the pen, but him......what doesn't kill you, doesn't make you stronger, but teaches you to have your guard up....not feeling a whole lot stronger yet, but my strength comes from knowing i've put my life in His hands.....i'm done with traditional, convenient, lazy christianity, done, when i decide to pull up my old proverbial bootstraps and say to god "i'm ready again", it won't be like before, it won't be just bootstraps i pull up....i'm putting on the wet suit and diving in.......not wading around in it.......more true than ever..........i still really love pretzels, only when i share a bag with dale...........dale makes the best coffee in the world, someday, if you are one of the lucky ones, you'll get to have a cup, while we tell you how happy we are and how far we've come..........we still share a bag of pretzels, we still love to have coffee together, when we can find a decent place to get it and we are still on our way to the happiness we once knew, we still have very far to travel before we feel like this part of our lives is a story to share with a beginning, middle and end, i hope we are heading toward the middle at least......

the origins experience was incredible......there is way too much to even try to begin to share......it's time for action.......i saw action......there was an energy out there.....an energy i have never felt in any church......the people of mosaic take the unlovable.....the broken......the rejected......the hopeless...............and love them like jesus does........and then the broken become whole.........the rejected become accepted and the hopeless are filled with hope...........i know because i was one of those....broken, rejected and hopeless...........real christianity in action does something to you when you see it and when you take part in it.........

we are in los angeles right now....dale and i.......i have met some of the most amazing people i have ever met in my life here and this is why........i have seen more christlike joy......passion for the lost......love for people......hospitality for strangers......oh the list goes on......real christianity in action......it is so refreshing......so inspiring.........the amazing thing is that many of the people here for this conference are in transition like we are.......their lives in limbo.....many don't know where they will be living next week......many have lost jobs.......most have been wounded by the church........but yet, still that unwavering love and joy......selfless love........

it's only day two........and even after my day of hollywood boulevard, beverly hills and rodeo drive.......the richness and amazement in my life right now comes only from the people i have met.......no souvenir can compare to that..........

more to come.......

.....found the song i was looking for, actually dale did, in about 2 seconds......sometimes you hear a song that makes you feel like there IS someone out there that has been through what you are going through....i can't wait to experience the last 3 lines of the song.....i think i'm starting to believe it will happen....



Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

.....you know you've left rhode island when..........

....you can drive 30 minutes and only pass one dunkin donuts AND it happens to
be part of a gas station
....80% of the radio stations are country and 80's rock
....people refer to what county they live in
....there are 2 sheriffs on every corner - yeah - sheriffs
....the only italian restaurant in town is closed
....the nearest landmark is zekiah swamp
....nobody sells dough for homemade pizza
....people order sweet tea at fast food restaurants
....high school fundraiser - 'mulch sale'
....you can name your driveway and it becomes a 'place'....possum trot place, no
place, harold johnson place.....
....people want you to say 'park the car in the yard'
....you get asked if you lived near long island
....you don't feel like you are at home anymore

really miss rhode island.......its just not the same here.....

so, tomorrow is easter......
happy easter.


i'll take you back - by jeremy camp


the reason why I stand
the answer lies in you
you hung to make me strong
though my praise was few
when I fall I bring your name down

but I have found in you
a heart that bleeds
forgiveness replacing all these thoughts of painful memories
but I know that your response will always be

i'll take you back always
even when your fight is over now
i'll take you back always
even when the pain is coming through
i'll take you back

you satisfy this cry
of what I'm looking for
it will take all I can
and lay it down
before the throne of endless grace, now
that radiates what's true

i'm in the only place
that erases all these faults
that have overtaken me
but I know
that your response will always be

i'll take you back always
even when your fight is over now
i'll take you back always
even when the pain is coming through
i'll take you back

i can only speak with a grateful heart
as I'm pierced by this gift of your love
i will always bring an offering
i can never thank you enough

you take me back always
even when my fighting is over now
you take me back always
even when my pain is coming through
you take me back

when heart and mind collide
when pain and lies surface
when betrayal births pain
when hope is almost gone
when faith is a fairytale
when life seems over
when nothing seems real
when people fail
when tears never stop
when sobbing seems normal
when there is nothing left
when the other shoe drops
when the future is unknown
when disappointment is normal
when sleep is my friend
when laughter is a stranger
when goals are lost
when sin seems to have won

i will not give up....i will not let go....god is still here...somewhere.....waiting............in my latest moments of the deepest sorrow i've experienced......he has finally nudged me and said i'm still here........he hasn't really guaranteed me anything........but........i finally believe he is still with me...................i've never felt so scared in the past 5 months as i do right now.....but i think that is what he was waiting for..............................................

.....i know my post yesterday was very bleak, and although i still feel very sad inside i happened to be listening to the following song by natasha bedingfield (sometimes i wish i could take credit)....anyway.....i came alive for a few moments, it was like someone was saying.....theres a new story coming......its funny i've felt for a long time that my life is like a bunch of loose pages that i just can't keep together....i see other people with the book of their 'life' neatly bound and in order...or at least covered enough so the pages aren't flying in the wind or getting ripped and torn.....so when i listened to this song so much of it kind of woke me up.....no one can write my story but me.....i've written so many analogies on my other blog......there was one about books and missing pages and one about chosing to write with a pencil.....seeing shabby eraser marks.....and permanment ink stains.......it's funny, i find myself at a loss for words alot but yet so much rumbles around in my head......stuff is in there......it's just unwritten.........


"Unwritten"
natasha bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

.........this is the new me........the new positive me.........nothing from the past will go here....only good hopeful things...........i will vent on whats left now and share my hopes for the future and uplifting stories of our journey here.....................stories from maryland......................

WELL HERE WE ARE......IT'S TIME TO START OVER NEW................TO BE CONTINUED........