wow what a couple of weeks can bring you through.....on december 11 i lost my grandma. something that has overshadowed the days leading up to tomorrow. christmas day. it's a tough thing when so many memories of my grandma are around christmas. i don't know when i'll be able to listen to "white christmas" by bing crosby again....maybe next year? i don't know...seeing that each and every christmas will now be a reminder of when she went to heaven.....it's a tough thing to pull christmas cards and sympathy cards out of the mailbox at the same time.....how am i supposed to process that? i still have trouble.....is saying "still" a little premature? it's only been two weeks. someone told me to move on, and have joy ...it that a little premature?.......
in these past two weeks i and my family have been on the receiving end of an incredible amount of generosity....to deal with our grieving, to have a happy christmas....like, incredible. like, feeling undeserving incredible..... i have been humbled beyond belief at the comments that have come along with the gestures of people i work with. people who don't profess to follow jesus. i want to be able to give in that capacity. i wanted to turn around and give more than we received....i pray that i can and will......i have not been able to process what to do with all the kind things that people have said about me....about who i am as a person....honestly, i don't get it....what do i do that's so special??? it's very humbling especially when i feel as though i just smile and am nice to people....is that enough? is that all people need?? that i would smile and be kind.....and occasionally do something tangible (not enough in my opinion) that it would be enough to have people treat me in this way.
i want to claim, and believe that every good thing in me comes from god and grandma.....is that wrong??
i am blessed beyond what i would ever expect...being an imperfect person.....a wife and mother who never feels like she lives up to what her family deserves.....i cannot fathom how god decides why or when we should be blessed with anything, tangible or not...........i pray that he would touch the lives of so many around me as he has touched mine.........with an amazing husband and kids who love me unconditionally.....with friends who look up to me and respect me........and with the peace and joy that only he can give.........
these past two weeks have brought tears of sorrow and tears of joy to my eyes.........almost daily.........i am overwhelmed by what god can do..........
