thinking...

i had too much caffeine yesterday. well, not too much......i just hadn't had any since sunday and my body had to readjust....meaning, i was wide awake for a while after i went to bed....thoughts spinning. the chain reaction of thoughts that race through my head is so amazing sometimes.........it's a bit annoying because sometimes i want to go back to the first thought and dwell on it a bit and i'm already on the fourteenth thought...........ah, i digress...

anyway, i got to thinking about christians. yeah. christians. i have a lot of guilt sometimes because we do not go to church faithfully....or at all....audrey is being raised churchless....whereas dale and emily went to church faithfully for quite a while, and gwen did for a couple years???? this weighs on me. but why???

guilt? who knows? it made start thinking about what i like about NOT going to church too........most of the people who want to know about jesus...are not attending church. i've gotten to share little bits and pieces of my beliefs with those people.....i haven't led any of them in the abc's of salvation or taken them down the romans road yet....but they know a little bit about what it means to be a christian at least....yeah, that guilt weighs on me too.....the whole sinner's prayer thing....or lack of sharing it...

when i think of christians attending church........i picture a race (this is the part that was racing through my head the most last night).....a race where they are each in a car or they are a car (the analogy is a bit fuzzy)....and jesus is at the head of the pack....they are all following him, not looking back....racing after him....trying to catch up to him......looking the best in their fancy cars......all separate from each other.....trying to out do each other....................................................then i think of the christianity that i'm trying to emulate so others will want to be a part of it......................this time i picture a hayride.........jesus is driving a tractor...with a huge wagon flatbed type thing on the back....huge.........i'm on it....sitting so i can see jesus but so i can also see the people behind me in the field...........they aren't on the tractor bed yet........jesus isn't driving fast.....he wants people to be able to hop on.............i can hold my arm out and if someone wants to hop on i can pull them on because we aren't in a race.....we aren't competing with each other............i just want the people to hop on with us because it's a wonderful ride.

anyway.............

two weeks

wow what a couple of weeks can bring you through.....on december 11 i lost my grandma. something that has overshadowed the days leading up to tomorrow. christmas day. it's a tough thing when so many memories of my grandma are around christmas. i don't know when i'll be able to listen to "white christmas" by bing crosby again....maybe next year? i don't know...seeing that each and every christmas will now be a reminder of when she went to heaven.....it's a tough thing to pull christmas cards and sympathy cards out of the mailbox at the same time.....how am i supposed to process that? i still have trouble.....is saying "still" a little premature? it's only been two weeks. someone told me to move on, and have joy ...it that a little premature?.......

in these past two weeks i and my family have been on the receiving end of an incredible amount of generosity....to deal with our grieving, to have a happy christmas....like, incredible. like, feeling undeserving incredible..... i have been humbled beyond belief at the comments that have come along with the gestures of people i work with. people who don't profess to follow jesus. i want to be able to give in that capacity. i wanted to turn around and give more than we received....i pray that i can and will......i have not been able to process what to do with all the kind things that people have said about me....about who i am as a person....honestly, i don't get it....what do i do that's so special??? it's very humbling especially when i feel as though i just smile and am nice to people....is that enough? is that all people need?? that i would smile and be kind.....and occasionally do something tangible (not enough in my opinion) that it would be enough to have people treat me in this way.

i want to claim, and believe that every good thing in me comes from god and grandma.....is that wrong??

i am blessed beyond what i would ever expect...being an imperfect person.....a wife and mother who never feels like she lives up to what her family deserves.....i cannot fathom how god decides why or when we should be blessed with anything, tangible or not...........i pray that he would touch the lives of so many around me as he has touched mine.........with an amazing husband and kids who love me unconditionally.....with friends who look up to me and respect me........and with the peace and joy that only he can give.........

these past two weeks have brought tears of sorrow and tears of joy to my eyes.........almost daily.........i am overwhelmed by what god can do..........

think about your past

i wish i could be more consistent with writing. i like it.

anyway......

this is what i was thinking today:

i do not reflect enough on the past. we are always told (especially as christians who have turned away from the old, and moved on to the new) to look forward, have faith....have hope....don't dwell on the past.

well.

we need to do it sometimes. yes. it's painful. yes. it's baggage. yes. it really rots sometimes. especially when your baggage is rotten garbage.

BUT.....for once today, i sat in my car during my lunch break at work....in the cold rain.....eating my lunch. i love doing that. it's quiet. i'm alone. i look forward to it. i think.

this is what i did: i thought about the past. the ugly past. the past i cannot change but which has made me who i am. it also reminded me that yes, a lot of things are really crappy BUT....a lot of things have gotten better. if we do not reflect on the past we cannot see how far we have come. if we are always focused on what god might do, or what we hope he does, we cannot see what he has already done. i don't do that enough.....he HAS done some healing in us. he HAS given us some peace. he HAS blessed us.

i'll be honest though....most days i'm not happy with it.....i want more. i want EVERYTHING fixed. i not only want it fixed, i want it better than it was before.....there's that little part of me that creeps up...a lot...and whispers....you've come so far as a person, you deserve more.... ha ha ha ha.....i taunt god with my rationale.....ugh....i digress....

so here it is: i'm thankful beyond words that i'm not who i used to be, i miss what i had....meaning things mostly... but i had it as a person i do not want to ever be again....i regret and will never be able to fix how i've made those who i love become people who they probably wish they weren't....but i really don't think god is finished with any of us yet....and i'm sure in another few years....maybe just months or weeks....i'll look back and say...."wow, i'm glad i'm not who i was on november 16 anymore....i've come so far...."

don't want to

i just don't want to. i want to wake up tomorrow and have so many things be different. is it too much to ask to have a few less worries in life? is it too much to ask to have something go right? really?
i'm tired of feeling so discouraged that it just takes the life right out of me. i am actually afraid that the "next" thing will send me over the edge. i can't take anymore. i don't care about all the cliches that say this kind of stuff just makes us stronger....builds character....blah blah blah....i am just tired of it all.

maybe i'm just weak......

if you are out there god....and i know you are.....i know you know me....can't you just throw us a bone?

people

i keep telling myself i'm quitting facebook. i'll post on twitter a bunch, then take a peek at facebook......i can't help myself.....i end up commenting, updating, liking, uploading....i'm a pathetic facebook addict.
......the problem with facebook is the people....there are a lot of cowardly passive aggressive people on facebook, and i'm just overly sensitive enough to let them ruin my day......i can hide them. that's what i'll do....but i still inevitably check their page. what is it with me? am i a glutton for being annoyed? do i like it? sometimes i even wonder why i post and update on there. i find that my facebook persona is definitely the happier side of me. my blogging persona is the real me, i think? or is my twitter persona the real me??? hmmmm.....i hope the in person me is the real me actually.....but who interacts in person anymore? i don't even like talking on the phone much anymore...........sigh............

i think i should just start my entries with "hello jessica" from now on..................she knows the real me wherever i am......i think....... ;)

hurting

  

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. C.S. Lewis

i read this on my twitter page this morning and it hit me hard....sometimes the obvious has to be put into words...there are a lot of genuinely hurting people...right around me.....sometimes the loudest cry for encouragement is the silent one.

 

drafts

ha! i have nine drafts that i haven't posted. funny. i think i'm realizing that i'm a little more tentative about posting my thoughts in these past years.........

anyhoo..........back to my yukky coffee....

diversions

birth.______________________________________________________________________death.


there it is. life. you are born. you die. but most people don't have that straight line........i think we all divert off the path at some point. we all do. i think we learn from the diversions. or at least we should.

my diversions have made me who i am today. good. bad. ugly. beautiful. whatever. i think i'm finally on a straight line again. it took a good chunk of my life though. it's a sobering place to be however, when you realize that you've arrived at a better place at the expense of many people. bittersweet. most days i don't like it.


ugh. i made my coffee too weak. i hate that.

odyssey

i had a dream i was at a party. there were tons of celebrities there. i started asked them for donations because my honda odyssey is falling apart and we need to move to a better area. it was going well.
until i woke up.

i'm trusting that god can do these things.....especially if alec baldwin and paris hilton will in my dreams....ha ha....

happiness = cupcakes

i figured it was time for a happy, positive post.

taking emily and donna to georgetown today. we are going to georgetown cupcakes.

the end.

pieces

sometimes it hits me. things won't be the same. things can't be the same. it's really hard. all the things i miss and want back.
the things that were taken.
the things that were given up.....willfully....accidentally....selfishly....ignorantly...

it's a huge puzzle that won't ever be complete again. unfinished. messed up. ugly.

4 years
9 months
5 days
4 hours

i will never be able to go back. never be able to heal the wounds. never.

because i threw pieces away.

sitting by the pool.

sitting by the pool. no humidity. 78 degrees. i like this. a lot.
now if i could just magically have dinner make itself....

stuff on my mind

will gwen and emily raise their support?
will my house ever stay organized?
we're out of milk.
i wonder when i'll get a new wedding band.
are any bills late?
yes.
how much longer will my transmission last?
i'm really glad it's friday.
i have a severe mouse phobia.
i really should be showering right now.
audrey is up too early.
it's field day today.
i wonder when we'll be able to relax and enjoy life more.
audrey is yelling "something is stuck in the toilet"......

good bye.

broken circle

had to get my wedding ring cut off yesterday.
wow.
that was harder than i thought it would be........

some things are just way to symbolic.

sin.

what are the worst sins?
they are all the same in god's eyes?
possibly.

well, they certainly aren't in the eyes of people. oh, sure....little white lies are most definitely not a big deal compared to murder. gossip isn't so bad compared to child abuse. fornication is practically acceptable next to adultery. nowadays it almost acceptable to break most of the commandments. i've broken almost all of them. i don't think people care about the commandments anymore. i think people care about themselves. and by people i mean christians. because most people who aren't christians, that i've met, care more about others than the "christians" i know.

wow. yes. i'm cynical. unfortunately it seems to be getting worse instead of better. i ask god over and over for answers. not to big questions, but simple ones. if you think about it......every question is probably a simple one for god. we make them big.

i asked him to heal this killer migraine i got last night. it got progressively worse until i decided to call in to work. something i rarely do. why didn't he just heal it? is there some big lesson to be learned by me suffering with a migraine?

oh, back to sin.......yeah, so what is sin anymore? i'm just curious. because the way i see it.....the people that live in sin....and "give god glory" for things randomly.....seem to make out pretty well.
just saying............

looking for the balance..........if there is any.

today:
got up and watched many hours of television. i'm really sorry i wasted one of two days off that i get every week.

i wish i had something exciting to say.

i wonder how many posts i'll start before i actually post something.

i've written three so far. and deleted them all. i don't even know if people read this anymore....oh, sorry jess, i know you do. i think i want someone to listen? i've been chatting w/god (i say chatting because most days it's a short conversation, i do most of the talking, and it's on the go. that's more of a chat, right?) anyway...we've, i've been chatting with, at him, and i'm feeling like he's kind of watching me. nodding like he kind of gets it but treating me like i treat my kids while i'm on the computer. like....i hear them talking, but it's more like blah blah blah. is it too much to ask to have a bone thrown our way?

okay. all i really want is what most people consider normal living. basic necessities. peace. i don't feel like being preached at either. or have people quote bible verses out of context to me. I GET IT. i know what god expects, and wants.....although it seems it doesn't apply to everyone sometimes. some people treat others like crap, and cruise through life. some people make the same mistakes OVER AND OVER and still seem to be rewarded for it.

maybe i shouldn't post at midnight. my mind is racing and it needs to get out. this is usually my dream time. how sad that my blog is a bunch of rambling nothingness. oh well. i'm not making people read it.

okay god. this is my request. on this 14th day of may, emily's birthday. i'd like you to somehow in your omnipotent way, fix it so this will happen. i want dale to have a new job. i want my son to have a new job. i'd like you to provide a car for my son. i'd really love to move out of this drug ridden neighborhood full of criminals, neglectful parents and nasty neighbors. i want us to be out of debt. i want my kids to love and serve you. i'd like you to prepare their spouses for them. people that love you too. i want everything fixed that got broken. i'm not kidding. i know you can do it. you've parted the red sea. raised your son from the dead. and will split the sky one day and return. you have the power to flip our lives right side up again. can you please?

thanks. we are looking forward to telling everyone about it soon. oh, and i will. i'll refer them to this post. :)

that's all for now.

...........i'm really happy for the most part..........regardless of how some of my writings come across.

i'd just like a few things to change/improve, so if you are the praying type......when you are praying....can you just mention that to god? "god, yeah, um, the swinburnes are looking for some stuff to change/improve....can you work on that?"

thanks.

ps.......

wow. i read through a lot of my old posts.........it's nice to realize that i've grown and am not so cynical and jaded..........okay, i am a little cynical and jaded. ;)

i miss blogging. i actually forgot how to post.

i'm annoyed with people in general so i figured i'd get it out of my system. it's very possible i am one or all of the things i'm about to complain about, but never the less....(is that one word?)....i will rant.

it's christians really. you see, people who don't consider themselves "born again", live their lives the way they want to.....sometimes in a more godly way than christians.....they don't worry about following the legalistic ways of their church, they don't concern themselves with church at all really. sigh......i'm just tired of lukewarm christians. i'm beginning to think that most christians just want a pass out of hell, and aren't really interested at all in pleasing god, or winning others to christ.

i know. a lot of you will say........"you're one to talk".............i don't really care. i've made many mistakes, and still will. but i do believe that people who have hit rock bottom have something in them.........an intuition? a sensitivity? i don't know. maybe it's just a realization of what real unconditional love is? especially after true repentance takes place.

i guess if i had the guts i'd just go up to the people who i'm judging, ha, yeah, that's what it boils down to.........and say, "get off your high horse and do something with your christianity. there are people i know who are not christ followers that are kinder, more generous, happier, more patient, and less proud than you."

time to make dinner.