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Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
quality over quanity
...although it was KILLING me last night, i opted not to post, therefore ending my streak. 54 days. that's my record. that's pretty good.........for me........i'm not very consistent.....but i'm finally okay with the erratic, unpredictable behavior i have.....it's just who i am......thing is, my motives are pure and it's a wonderful peaceful thing to have a clean conscience. i try to do the right thing......put jesus first...then my family....then the people i see regularly....etc....i really try to make a difference......although i don't have much to offer, what i do offer is sincere.
which is why i'm finished with trying to post, every night.....just to say i "post every night".....
i COULD find something to say every night, but i have enough pressure in my life right now...................which is evident by the fact that i cannot get back to sleep and decided to post......sigh
TGIF
which is why i'm finished with trying to post, every night.....just to say i "post every night".....
i COULD find something to say every night, but i have enough pressure in my life right now...................which is evident by the fact that i cannot get back to sleep and decided to post......sigh
TGIF
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Wednesday, February 23, 2011
kids
.....i have bad days. specifically bad....generally bad....due to past issues....current issues....future issues....
....however, there is nothing like being cheered up by a kid....my own or the kids from school....
kids are honest....don't have walls up....don't pretend when they are insecure....adults kind of annoy me......ha
....i love kids....
....however, there is nothing like being cheered up by a kid....my own or the kids from school....
kids are honest....don't have walls up....don't pretend when they are insecure....adults kind of annoy me......ha
....i love kids....
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Tuesday, February 22, 2011
snow day
i cleaned my closet out today.....found some clothes i haven't worn since ri....bittersweet. some things really seem like a dream and others feel like a nightmare. i just want to get to that looking back day....you know, the one where you see how it all fit together and made sense......what?? it's coming....lots of very strong christian people told me it is......
Ugh.....i wish i would have worked today....too much thinking....
Ugh.....i wish i would have worked today....too much thinking....
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Monday, February 21, 2011
dc/georgetown/china town
...had a fun day with the girls. it's really nice living so close to a lot of fun and free attraction type places.
more importantly it was fun just being in the car for what ended up being most of the day.....most of our visits to dc have been with other people, which is fine but it alters the dynamics of how our conversations flow......today it was quiet at times....and loud at times but we got to be together. and more and more, i'm realizing where my comfort zone is, and it's with my family. i'm pretty sure they feel the same way........
*sigh....as i type this they are bickering.....oh well..... :)
more importantly it was fun just being in the car for what ended up being most of the day.....most of our visits to dc have been with other people, which is fine but it alters the dynamics of how our conversations flow......today it was quiet at times....and loud at times but we got to be together. and more and more, i'm realizing where my comfort zone is, and it's with my family. i'm pretty sure they feel the same way........
*sigh....as i type this they are bickering.....oh well..... :)
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Sunday, February 20, 2011
drafts
i looked at my drafts today.....i have A LOT of drafts which got me thinking about blogging. why do i blog? why do i facebook? why do i use twitter? i treat them all differently too, like i've got some kind of split social networking disease/personality disorder. i treat facebook like a lighthearted way to keep in touch with people, upload funny pics, share stories mostly about my family, my job and my quirky little anecdotes.....twitter is different because i know i don't have a lot of followers, so i vent there, share my more current personal short frustrations....which are sometimes about others.... :/
which brings me to blogging and drafting posts......other than a couple people that i know read my blog regularly....i don't know who my audience is, so therefore i feel more open, AH, but not THAT open apparently because i have many many drafts......who is this for anyway? who am i reaching out to or venting to? i wish god would post a comment.......i think i'm hoping someone will give me all the answers i need....empathize with me....tell me i'm normal....say they have the same problems.....say thanks, i needed to hear that.....some or all of the above i suppose...............
i think all these social networking sites are just a sign of how lonely people really are. of how much people need people, but ironically i feel at times, we are more divided and alone because of facebooking, blogging, tweeting, texting...etc........i long for the old days when i was on my phone for an hour at a time talking to a friend....or i received a random card in the mail from someone.....or someone stopped by for a quick visit. we've become too fast paced because of our instant technology....yet....i am hopelessly attached to all of it.
i hope i can post my drafts someday.....but that would make me vulnerable, so for now i'll just post my edited versions here, and my happy random updates about wedding shows with my girls and funny things first graders do, on facebook, and my encrypted frustrations about people on twitter.....sigh.......
which brings me to blogging and drafting posts......other than a couple people that i know read my blog regularly....i don't know who my audience is, so therefore i feel more open, AH, but not THAT open apparently because i have many many drafts......who is this for anyway? who am i reaching out to or venting to? i wish god would post a comment.......i think i'm hoping someone will give me all the answers i need....empathize with me....tell me i'm normal....say they have the same problems.....say thanks, i needed to hear that.....some or all of the above i suppose...............
i think all these social networking sites are just a sign of how lonely people really are. of how much people need people, but ironically i feel at times, we are more divided and alone because of facebooking, blogging, tweeting, texting...etc........i long for the old days when i was on my phone for an hour at a time talking to a friend....or i received a random card in the mail from someone.....or someone stopped by for a quick visit. we've become too fast paced because of our instant technology....yet....i am hopelessly attached to all of it.
i hope i can post my drafts someday.....but that would make me vulnerable, so for now i'll just post my edited versions here, and my happy random updates about wedding shows with my girls and funny things first graders do, on facebook, and my encrypted frustrations about people on twitter.....sigh.......
Saturday, February 19, 2011
saturday....edited....
i love the weekend....i wish i could think of something great to post about.....
so, here it is, almost 10 pm now.....i wrote that above comment earlier today, before we spontaneously decided to go see the justin bieber movie.....
as i sat there with my girls and their friends, i realized that people just want to be happy. whether it's a momentary good feeling happy, or long term happiness.....that's what life comes down to happiness. between the smiles on my girls faces, and watching the screaming fans in the movie.....i thought about happiness.
there were a couple scenes that showed justin's mom, grandma and grandpa...beaming with pride. he's close to all three......tears in their eyes as they watched him perform. i watched gwen perform thursday night, and i can relate to that pride. i cannot imagine what it would be like to see my child on a stage with screaming fans at their feet, but i can understand the happiness someone feels when they watch another person doing something they love and are good at.......
i just want my kids to have happiness. if i could go get justin bieber and bring him here i would. moms are weird like that.
i know this may all sound shallow....but aside from our contentment coming from god himself first....we need to be honest and admit that things in this life, on this planet are going to bring us some momentary happiness....and for 104 minutes tonight, i got to escape reality...with my girls, their friends and a 16 year old from canada......
so, here it is, almost 10 pm now.....i wrote that above comment earlier today, before we spontaneously decided to go see the justin bieber movie.....
as i sat there with my girls and their friends, i realized that people just want to be happy. whether it's a momentary good feeling happy, or long term happiness.....that's what life comes down to happiness. between the smiles on my girls faces, and watching the screaming fans in the movie.....i thought about happiness.
there were a couple scenes that showed justin's mom, grandma and grandpa...beaming with pride. he's close to all three......tears in their eyes as they watched him perform. i watched gwen perform thursday night, and i can relate to that pride. i cannot imagine what it would be like to see my child on a stage with screaming fans at their feet, but i can understand the happiness someone feels when they watch another person doing something they love and are good at.......
i just want my kids to have happiness. if i could go get justin bieber and bring him here i would. moms are weird like that.
i know this may all sound shallow....but aside from our contentment coming from god himself first....we need to be honest and admit that things in this life, on this planet are going to bring us some momentary happiness....and for 104 minutes tonight, i got to escape reality...with my girls, their friends and a 16 year old from canada......
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Friday, February 18, 2011
laughter......
....there's nothing like hearing my girls laughing and fooling around....with each other....with their friends.....to be carefree like that....i wish i could shut out reality and be more carefree.
i'm a blessed mom.
i'm a blessed mom.
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Thursday, February 17, 2011
talent night at the middle school
gwen is singing.
in the middle of the schedule of events.
during what we were just informed will be two hours long.
i will refrain from further comments.
in the middle of the schedule of events.
during what we were just informed will be two hours long.
i will refrain from further comments.
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Wednesday, February 16, 2011
safe
....as insecure i can tend to get about certain things in our day to day life, i am so very thankful that i feel safe. safe with dale. safe when i'm home with my family. just safe. i was thinking about the next few years....it's going to be tough....but then i thought about feeling safe. now. five years ago i did not feel safe. i was scared about everything. worried about everything.
......and here we are. safe. from what? i don't know....but i just feel safe. strangely content. happy. peaceful. not a whole lot has changed either.....that's growth i suppose....
anyway.....i am liking how god has comforted me.....and the icing on the cake is having a husband and kids who make my life complete.
......and here we are. safe. from what? i don't know....but i just feel safe. strangely content. happy. peaceful. not a whole lot has changed either.....that's growth i suppose....
anyway.....i am liking how god has comforted me.....and the icing on the cake is having a husband and kids who make my life complete.
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Tuesday, February 15, 2011
cheetos
...there are a lot of homeless kids that attend the school where i work. by homeless, it most often means that they do not have a home of their own, but do have a place to live. most of them live with family members or friends. some live in shelters.
it's sad.....obviously. especially the ones who really try hard to be "normal"....of course there are some who are a product of their environment, ie parents, (usually one parent actually) ....it can be frustrating, sad, annoying, confusing....so many emotions....for the children, but also for the staff i work with. many come to school once or twice a week, and if they bring their notebooks & homework it's a miracle. many get bussed in from the city, or shelters. some have long drives. some come by taxi.
there is one student, i'll call them "chris".....this student is one of the sweetest students in the school. rarely complains. always smiles. shares supplies with others (supplies that the school gives to them).....i know that chris's living conditions are very humble. very. one room to be exact.....for 4 people. chris wears the same little fleece jacket every day, but it's clean. i noticed one day that chris had a t-shirt on with another name on the back of it.....a dead giveaway that some kind soul had given clothes to the family.
every morning chris runs up to me and hugs me. every afternoon chris tells me thank you for helping. chris is a child. for the life of me i cannot fathom how a child with next to nothing has the presence of mind to ask how my day is on a consistent basis....i mean, aren't ALL children inherently selfish. ;)
anyway, so yesterday was valentine's day. i was in chris's classroom as things were being passed out. snacks, goodies, cards and candy. chris had a plate on his/her desk....sitting there. all the kids were inhaling food faster than it could be handed out. not chris.
chris walked over to me and said, "mrs. swinburne, take some cheetos." i declined. chris insisted. so i took one. chris then grabbed a chocolate bar out of the bag of valentine's he/she had received, and handed it to me. i declined. chris insisted. i'm almost tearing up at this point. then chris came to me and said, "can you give me a ziploc bag, so i can take home the rest of my cheetos for later?" i went and got the ziploc bag, and helped her put her 8-10 cheetos in the bag, while i watched many other students throw theirs away. i got my daily hug, and a "thanks for helping."
i need to be more like chris.
it's sad.....obviously. especially the ones who really try hard to be "normal"....of course there are some who are a product of their environment, ie parents, (usually one parent actually) ....it can be frustrating, sad, annoying, confusing....so many emotions....for the children, but also for the staff i work with. many come to school once or twice a week, and if they bring their notebooks & homework it's a miracle. many get bussed in from the city, or shelters. some have long drives. some come by taxi.
there is one student, i'll call them "chris".....this student is one of the sweetest students in the school. rarely complains. always smiles. shares supplies with others (supplies that the school gives to them).....i know that chris's living conditions are very humble. very. one room to be exact.....for 4 people. chris wears the same little fleece jacket every day, but it's clean. i noticed one day that chris had a t-shirt on with another name on the back of it.....a dead giveaway that some kind soul had given clothes to the family.
every morning chris runs up to me and hugs me. every afternoon chris tells me thank you for helping. chris is a child. for the life of me i cannot fathom how a child with next to nothing has the presence of mind to ask how my day is on a consistent basis....i mean, aren't ALL children inherently selfish. ;)
anyway, so yesterday was valentine's day. i was in chris's classroom as things were being passed out. snacks, goodies, cards and candy. chris had a plate on his/her desk....sitting there. all the kids were inhaling food faster than it could be handed out. not chris.
chris walked over to me and said, "mrs. swinburne, take some cheetos." i declined. chris insisted. so i took one. chris then grabbed a chocolate bar out of the bag of valentine's he/she had received, and handed it to me. i declined. chris insisted. i'm almost tearing up at this point. then chris came to me and said, "can you give me a ziploc bag, so i can take home the rest of my cheetos for later?" i went and got the ziploc bag, and helped her put her 8-10 cheetos in the bag, while i watched many other students throw theirs away. i got my daily hug, and a "thanks for helping."
i need to be more like chris.
Monday, February 14, 2011
feb 14......
Love is.......
...a hardworking husband
....a date right in my own bedroom
....a smile at the end of a hard day
.....grateful kids
.....simplicity
....and a lot of other stuff but i'm trying to enjoy a movie w/my honey.....so.....buh bye...
...a hardworking husband
....a date right in my own bedroom
....a smile at the end of a hard day
.....grateful kids
.....simplicity
....and a lot of other stuff but i'm trying to enjoy a movie w/my honey.....so.....buh bye...
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Sunday, February 13, 2011
love is pain
"Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."
cs lewis
i'm really not a cynic....i just am at the point in life where i've been exposed to many facets of love....some i welcome, some out of necessity, some came naturally.......i really don't think people understand love and therefore i continue to hear news of relationships breaking up.....
love and like should go hand in hand in a relationship.....they don't always....and i suppose sometimes we deeply love those that we strongly dislike......life is pain. love is pain. is the risk worth it?? i think it makes us stronger people....loving others. being selfless. it makes us like christ.
sometimes when we go through situations that turn us inside out and make us vulnerable....we are able to love others more. we are able to empathize with the pain people suffer. not that it's something we strive towards......being turned inside out.....but more often than not, it does make us more.....more something.....
just more...i suppose....
cs lewis
i'm really not a cynic....i just am at the point in life where i've been exposed to many facets of love....some i welcome, some out of necessity, some came naturally.......i really don't think people understand love and therefore i continue to hear news of relationships breaking up.....
love and like should go hand in hand in a relationship.....they don't always....and i suppose sometimes we deeply love those that we strongly dislike......life is pain. love is pain. is the risk worth it?? i think it makes us stronger people....loving others. being selfless. it makes us like christ.
sometimes when we go through situations that turn us inside out and make us vulnerable....we are able to love others more. we are able to empathize with the pain people suffer. not that it's something we strive towards......being turned inside out.....but more often than not, it does make us more.....more something.....
just more...i suppose....
Saturday, February 12, 2011
valentine's eve eve
.....maybe it should be renamed "hallmark-buy-a lot-of-chocolate-day"....or something like that?
...eh, i love pink and red so i kind of like the girly feel of it....and i love candy....but honestly, special gifts and cards and dates mean so much more when they happen randomly....they really do....
not to mention the fact that romantic love just skims the surface....real love happens when you've been to hell & back~together~and are still holding hands when walk you out of the fire....or after you've climbed back up from rock bottom and have taken turns giving each other a boost.....there are no flowers or candy in those places......just real love.
.....it feels good to know true love.....
...eh, i love pink and red so i kind of like the girly feel of it....and i love candy....but honestly, special gifts and cards and dates mean so much more when they happen randomly....they really do....
not to mention the fact that romantic love just skims the surface....real love happens when you've been to hell & back~together~and are still holding hands when walk you out of the fire....or after you've climbed back up from rock bottom and have taken turns giving each other a boost.....there are no flowers or candy in those places......just real love.
.....it feels good to know true love.....
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Friday, February 11, 2011
parenting 101
i wish there really was such a class......
i just don't know how to do it sometimes. one of the most difficult things to deal with (for me) is seeing one of my kids struggling, sad, discouraged, angry, hurting...etc....i want to make it right. i want to fix it. second to that is hearing one of my kids say "you don't like me." now, i know she (shocker it's one of my daughters) doesn't mean it....but i still want to get to the bottom of it....turns out, she thinks i never punish the others and that i favor certain kids over her......sigh.....i suppose that's something that i cannot really objectively figure out if i'm really doing. i try and try to be "equal", but with so many personalities, ages and issues....i often wonder if i'm fair....i know for sure that i'm not consistent, so you'd think that would favor their side....just the fact that i KNOW i do not discipline like i really should or as often as necessary....i do more yelling than anything. my kids have come to think that getting yelled at is getting punished....sad. is it too late? am i a failure? sometimes i feel like more of a failure in a lot of areas than a success by any means. there are no answers....
so i did what any neurotic mom would do. i called a family meeting. ugh....i'm a dork. i figured if i had the one confront the others about what was bothering her, it would fix everything. until i realized the other three disagreed and then it was three against one.......ugh. what can i say, the peacemaker in me will never die. it's who i am. yet i still feel like nothing was resolved. i will pray that some sort of tiny seed was planted in each one of them tonight....that at the very least they'll see that i was trying. trying to create peace. trying to show each of them how different they are, and to embrace the differences. oh, and yes, i told them that they are the best friends each of them will ever have....and as corny and cliche as that sounds, i hope they take it to heart and look back and remember this night as "the night mom tried to fix everything".....again.....sigh.......
this is so hard, and after 21+ years of being a mom, i still cry about how helpless i feel sometimes........maybe i'll be the perfect grandma......
i just don't know how to do it sometimes. one of the most difficult things to deal with (for me) is seeing one of my kids struggling, sad, discouraged, angry, hurting...etc....i want to make it right. i want to fix it. second to that is hearing one of my kids say "you don't like me." now, i know she (shocker it's one of my daughters) doesn't mean it....but i still want to get to the bottom of it....turns out, she thinks i never punish the others and that i favor certain kids over her......sigh.....i suppose that's something that i cannot really objectively figure out if i'm really doing. i try and try to be "equal", but with so many personalities, ages and issues....i often wonder if i'm fair....i know for sure that i'm not consistent, so you'd think that would favor their side....just the fact that i KNOW i do not discipline like i really should or as often as necessary....i do more yelling than anything. my kids have come to think that getting yelled at is getting punished....sad. is it too late? am i a failure? sometimes i feel like more of a failure in a lot of areas than a success by any means. there are no answers....
so i did what any neurotic mom would do. i called a family meeting. ugh....i'm a dork. i figured if i had the one confront the others about what was bothering her, it would fix everything. until i realized the other three disagreed and then it was three against one.......ugh. what can i say, the peacemaker in me will never die. it's who i am. yet i still feel like nothing was resolved. i will pray that some sort of tiny seed was planted in each one of them tonight....that at the very least they'll see that i was trying. trying to create peace. trying to show each of them how different they are, and to embrace the differences. oh, and yes, i told them that they are the best friends each of them will ever have....and as corny and cliche as that sounds, i hope they take it to heart and look back and remember this night as "the night mom tried to fix everything".....again.....sigh.......
this is so hard, and after 21+ years of being a mom, i still cry about how helpless i feel sometimes........maybe i'll be the perfect grandma......
Thursday, February 10, 2011
family
beautiful, funny, unique, caring, helpful, exasperating, encouraging, silly, secure, comforting, fun, loving, devoted, christ-like, selfless......
So much more.
These are just a few ways i can describe ny husband and children....they've been a constant in my life and i'm so thankful for how they've stood by me.....i don't have a lot by the world's standards but i am so rich....really rich.....
They just make me really happy....that's what prompted this.....
So much more.
These are just a few ways i can describe ny husband and children....they've been a constant in my life and i'm so thankful for how they've stood by me.....i don't have a lot by the world's standards but i am so rich....really rich.....
They just make me really happy....that's what prompted this.....
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Wednesday, February 09, 2011
dreaming
i'll admit, i do not like dreaming....like the kind when you sleep....(i'm pretty good at daydreaming, and quite like it)....i had a dream last night that disturbed my sleep. when i sleep, i want to sleep. i don't want to watch some movie starring me.........i just don't. this dream was really weird too........senseless.......why can't dreams be prophesies.....or answers to prayers that are on their way???? to give us a little hope??
i fall asleep praying a lot and feel like my dreams should be peaceful because of that.....isn't that a fair trade off? fall asleep talking to god....have peaceful sleep. no dreams. i want to sleep and then wake up rested....
i'm tired today......i wish we didn't have to get up at 4:45 tomorrow....i don't like it.
two days til friday........what a dumb blog post.......
i fall asleep praying a lot and feel like my dreams should be peaceful because of that.....isn't that a fair trade off? fall asleep talking to god....have peaceful sleep. no dreams. i want to sleep and then wake up rested....
i'm tired today......i wish we didn't have to get up at 4:45 tomorrow....i don't like it.
two days til friday........what a dumb blog post.......
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
starbucks, target and girl talk
Yeah......that was my night.....well driving the girls back and forth all over columbia for their bible studies....picking up their friends...dropping off.....and in between.....starbucks, target and girl talk with deanna.....good times......especially the part where gwen's friend from school said she wants to go back.....
i'm exhausted 4:30 am til 10pm makes for a long day.....man i wish there was snow in the forecast tomorrow.......
Nighty night.....
i'm exhausted 4:30 am til 10pm makes for a long day.....man i wish there was snow in the forecast tomorrow.......
Nighty night.....
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Monday, February 07, 2011
self control and the 10 year old
....anyway....my policy...kind of a secret policy...is when my girls want anything old fashioned and/or creative...i will get it (within reason)......so we get home, do homework, eat, clean up and she breaks out the coloring book...but not before she hands me the above picture....she tells me to lock all the disney and nickelodeon channels.....she wants to take a break from them. and also wants to know if on demand can be locked. :)
.....it's amazing what a little less technology and tv can do in your family....(our computer died and ever since it did, we've been much more organized and productive).....
it was a pretty decent day...(well, em had a tough day actually and that made me sad)....girls made honor roll....helped out a lot....i had a couple simple prayers answered and i'm feeling content for the moment....ha
.....ahhhhh....i will NOT miss zac & cody.....:)
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Sunday, February 06, 2011
superbowl 45
great fun and food with friends.....boring game...maybe because i really couldn't care less about either team. i just wish the superbowl wasn't played on a sunday night...don't they realize that most of the world has real jobs that don't pay millions of dollars to do something we really love doing?
sigh........
sigh........
Saturday, February 05, 2011
john 3:17
....if i was going to the superbowl, i would hold that up.
.......okay, i actually wouldn't....but don't those people that hold up john 3:16 realize that people take it for granted? i would almost venture to say....well, i will say....that it's almost as much of an impact as "d-fense" or "hi mom"....maybe that sounds sacreligious but i wish people would be more creative. christian people in particular....not that i'm a super witnessing missional christian but i think sometimes those john 3:16 placard holding christians are more concerned about getting brownie points with god and other christians than really winning others to christ.
i just don't know what is the best way to share the gospel sometimes.....maybe the john 3:16 sign works??
i thought about posing a question on my facebook regarding this...hoping my friends who are not from my christian circles would give me insight.....but sadly i realized that if i did that the christian-ese would take over and scare people away.....
i'm a little cynical, no?
.......okay, i actually wouldn't....but don't those people that hold up john 3:16 realize that people take it for granted? i would almost venture to say....well, i will say....that it's almost as much of an impact as "d-fense" or "hi mom"....maybe that sounds sacreligious but i wish people would be more creative. christian people in particular....not that i'm a super witnessing missional christian but i think sometimes those john 3:16 placard holding christians are more concerned about getting brownie points with god and other christians than really winning others to christ.
i just don't know what is the best way to share the gospel sometimes.....maybe the john 3:16 sign works??
i thought about posing a question on my facebook regarding this...hoping my friends who are not from my christian circles would give me insight.....but sadly i realized that if i did that the christian-ese would take over and scare people away.....
i'm a little cynical, no?
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Friday, February 04, 2011
tgif
this is yet another post..."just to post"....lame. i know....
i'm too tired to think...i'm posting from my phone....in line at walgreens drive through.....waiting....for ten minutes now....eh, it's better than waiting inside i suppose?
wish i brought coffee......
i'm too tired to think...i'm posting from my phone....in line at walgreens drive through.....waiting....for ten minutes now....eh, it's better than waiting inside i suppose?
wish i brought coffee......
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Thursday, February 03, 2011
my crazy family.......
this was just after a wrestling match between the girls....lots of laughing....all six of us just hanging out....talking....laughing....doing homework.....stuff.....
home sweet home
home sweet home
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Wednesday, February 02, 2011
groundhog day
who came up with it? why do people fall for it?
uh yeah, i can't think of what to write......
oh...i was really dizzy all day and got to thinking....i wonder if i have a tapeworm? ew....well....it's because i was dizzy, felt really weird, nauseous, sort of hungry yet nothing satisfied me....
huh, maybe i just need a snickers.......
uh yeah, i can't think of what to write......
oh...i was really dizzy all day and got to thinking....i wonder if i have a tapeworm? ew....well....it's because i was dizzy, felt really weird, nauseous, sort of hungry yet nothing satisfied me....
huh, maybe i just need a snickers.......
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Tuesday, February 01, 2011
when prayers become wishes
yeah. i said it. prayers/wishes.....aren't they kind of the same? i mean, lately i feel like i'm wishing.....wishing because i don't know if i'm praying the "right" thing....asking in the "right" way.....or if i should even be asking at all....
i recently read an article in relevant magazine about prayer. one thing that stuck out was this.....try to pray without saying "i pray....blah blah blah".....it's hard. it's pretty much like saying, i want or i hope or i ask....not that it's a bad thing, but i started to feel like my praying was my list of requests too much. of course there are plenty of things i do want, mostly for others at this point in my life (guilt will do that to you)....but i truly want a better and more content existence for those i love.....life isn't fair....it ISN'T!!!! why is it fair that my husband has a jerk for a boss? i know his work ethic. it isn't fair.
i've been praying/wishing/asking/hoping that things would change....lots of things....some have....most haven't....i don't know how to pray anymore. is there a point to praying anymore? should i just say to god, "i'm done asking." i mean, he does know already.
what's the difference between praying and wishing? i found out this week. yes, i'm frustrated with unanswered prayers. VERY FRUSTRATED. (why am i smelling paint right now.....ugh)
anyway.....i started praying this week and consciously tried to leave out "i pray" or anything like that....i found myself being forced to give thanks more....and just be quiet....focus on god.
he knows what we need. as much as it hurts to see people i love struggling.....he sees it too, and i am pretty sure he's got a plan. yeah, i'll still ask for things....but for some reason, i have a lot more faith when i take time to thank him for the part of his plan that he's already unfolded....i don't always like waiting. um, i don't like the waiting.....but i think it's part of his plan...........
i recently read an article in relevant magazine about prayer. one thing that stuck out was this.....try to pray without saying "i pray....blah blah blah".....it's hard. it's pretty much like saying, i want or i hope or i ask....not that it's a bad thing, but i started to feel like my praying was my list of requests too much. of course there are plenty of things i do want, mostly for others at this point in my life (guilt will do that to you)....but i truly want a better and more content existence for those i love.....life isn't fair....it ISN'T!!!! why is it fair that my husband has a jerk for a boss? i know his work ethic. it isn't fair.
i've been praying/wishing/asking/hoping that things would change....lots of things....some have....most haven't....i don't know how to pray anymore. is there a point to praying anymore? should i just say to god, "i'm done asking." i mean, he does know already.
what's the difference between praying and wishing? i found out this week. yes, i'm frustrated with unanswered prayers. VERY FRUSTRATED. (why am i smelling paint right now.....ugh)
anyway.....i started praying this week and consciously tried to leave out "i pray" or anything like that....i found myself being forced to give thanks more....and just be quiet....focus on god.
he knows what we need. as much as it hurts to see people i love struggling.....he sees it too, and i am pretty sure he's got a plan. yeah, i'll still ask for things....but for some reason, i have a lot more faith when i take time to thank him for the part of his plan that he's already unfolded....i don't always like waiting. um, i don't like the waiting.....but i think it's part of his plan...........
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