.....lessons learned........

....a while back i posted 'lessons learned in 49 days'.......i'd like to comment on that now......

....don't ever think you know how people will react when you are in crisis.....you will be disappointed...this hasn't changed, but, i have learned that i shouldn't depend on people anyway......never think you are at your strongest....you aren't.....never think you are at your weakest.....you aren't... this is more true than i ever realized......i really don't get some verses in scripture that i always thought i understood....they just don't make sense when you seem to prove them wrong.. ....... i don't believe i have proved any scripture wrong, i do still question god and i believe that is a good thing, it has made my walk more real.....i'm tired of crying.....still tired, and yet there is a weird sort of relief that comes from deep sobbing ...my husband loves me more than i thought.. still true, but even more so, he loves me exactly like jesus has instructed him to, without wavering, through good times and bad.......my kids love me more than i thought..not only do i know this to be true, they tell me often and reassure me often.......i love them more than i thought...in a deep way only crisis can teach ...church follows more protocol than most businesses i know...i could write an entire post on this, i firmly believe this more and more and unfortunately believe this is the reason why those who haven't found christ yet will probably not find him in the 'church'.....what does faith mean?....faithful?.....faithfulness?......not sure anymore......i was posting on another site about faith recently and someone encouraged me with this "You may know what it is to walk in darkness. Sometimes faith is walking in darkness and simply refusing to quit. Sometimes faith is just hanging on. The character of faith that allows us to be transformed by suffering and darkness is not doubt-free certainty; rather, it is tenacious obedience.”.............people that really pray have true peace and joy in their lives...this still stands and these are the people that draw the lost to christ, because those that don't know god yet see something in these people that they want....how is it that i really know who is praying for me...i can't know ....i understand why some people want nothing to do with god or church......yeah, because for a while, i wanted nothing to do with church or god, i have drawn back to god and church, well, that is on the horizon, but the meaning of church has changed for me......we waste alot of time on stupid stuff.....we waste most of our time on meaningless selfish things, i've learned to put my 'self' last, and i will continue to work on that.......christians wear masks...why can't we just be ourselves...christians wear masks (myself included) because we are afraid to let people see our weakness, my weaknessess have become public knowledge and in a weird sort of way that has been freeing......my children are smarter than alot of adults i know......my children are more forgiving than alot of adults i know....my kids are incredible and they could all, all four of them, teach any adult christian how to forgive, how to love, how to be real and how to endure persecution.......i think my toes brushed rock bottom.....my whole body slammed rock bottom, and that was necessary to complete break me, so i would be forced into placing my life completely back in the makers hands.....why are people christians, really?.......is it a noun or a verb?....i heard something very interesting when we were out in LA , back when jesus walked this earth, his followers were called just that ,'followers of christ', the non-followers called them christians, i think 'follower of christ' is more appropriate and reminds me exactly why i am a christian, to follow him, to make others followers of him, not to continually feed myself with 'church' but to get out there and do it, it's a verb, not a noun....there aren't many things we know for sure....i know NOTHING for sure anymore, even the things i thought were a sure thing when we left our home, have evaporated, gone...but i do know this......the past is the past, you can try to erase things, but it still leaves the paper all fuzzy and grey, i've given the wrong people the pencil at times, sometimes a pen, sometimes a permanent marker.......the future is a book with blank pages, i am chosing carefully who i let use the pen......the past is still a part of my book and sadly many have worn out those pages and even filled in a little of their own commentary, but that happens, god has mercifully given me a beautiful white ream of paper to fill up again, and i will not let anyone use the pen, but him......what doesn't kill you, doesn't make you stronger, but teaches you to have your guard up....not feeling a whole lot stronger yet, but my strength comes from knowing i've put my life in His hands.....i'm done with traditional, convenient, lazy christianity, done, when i decide to pull up my old proverbial bootstraps and say to god "i'm ready again", it won't be like before, it won't be just bootstraps i pull up....i'm putting on the wet suit and diving in.......not wading around in it.......more true than ever..........i still really love pretzels, only when i share a bag with dale...........dale makes the best coffee in the world, someday, if you are one of the lucky ones, you'll get to have a cup, while we tell you how happy we are and how far we've come..........we still share a bag of pretzels, we still love to have coffee together, when we can find a decent place to get it and we are still on our way to the happiness we once knew, we still have very far to travel before we feel like this part of our lives is a story to share with a beginning, middle and end, i hope we are heading toward the middle at least......